Havin' Some Fun

It's been awhile since I wrote here, and you know what?

That's a good thing. Because the reason I haven't been writing here is that I've been busy out and about, meeting people, doing things, creating memories, and having a blast.

And this post, too, will be short, because at this moment, I am in Stuttgart, Germany, hanging out with my friends Sylvia and Keith. I arrived yesterday by train, and Keith picked me up from the main station in Stuttgart, drove me back to the base, checked me in, and got me safely to the apartment!

Seeing Sylvia and Keith again has been awesome - it's literally been years since our days of hanging out in Morley, Michigan - and I lOVE their two boys. Vaughn is 3 and Liam is 5 months, and they are sooo cute.

Today we just took it easy - sleeping in, big breakfast, relaxing mid-morning, shopping in the afternoon, relaxing early evening, great dinner of barbecued ribs, and now a relaxing late evening of movies and great conversation.

I feel...whole.

It's been awhile since I felt that way. It feels amazing.

And now I will get back to it. Just wanted to remember through this post how fantastic this trip has already been for me.

And tomorrow, Christmas party! HELLO, Army men...

Shifting Elements

"You! You, who have deceived me with false hopes, who have cheered and soothed me with vain promises! Indeed you would inspire me with pity, were you not hateful in my eyes."

~ Maximilian

~ The Count of Monte Cristo

Again, this book strikes a chord in my heart.

I'm almost finished now with Alexandre Dumas' famous, unabridged novel, and I must say, I'm going to miss the finesse of the language, the beauty of the characters, the depth of the story, and the simplistic elegance of the prose. What book can I find to follow this that can compare?

Oh to write as the masters wrote...that would be a gift indeed.

Happy Birthday, Liz and Josh!

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear Liz and Josh!
Happy birthday to you!

Sorry, Liz, I know your birthday was actually yesterday. However, as a married couple who were born only one day apart, I'm allowed to merge you and Josh into a weird, pseudo-blob, dual-birthday creature, and, as such, I'm allowed to wish you guys a happy birthday at the same time, on whichever day I so choose.

No, really! It's in the rulebook! Look it up! ;)

Last Contact

It's official: I have sent the last communication to Tom, by way of email. In it, I clearly stated that I will no longer be contacting him, and that any future communication to be initiated will have to come from him. The ball is solidly in his court.

He won't respond. I know this - his actions over the last weeks pretty much guarantee it.

But when I sent that email, there was definitely a feeling I experienced.

Lightness.
Like a burden being lifted.
Dare I say...

Closure?

This blog will no longer mention Tom Schwesig. I am closing the chapter on him in my life, and I will not open it again unless he's the one who begins writing there again.

From now on, my writing will consist of my life in Europe. What I'm doing, who I'm hanging with, all of the adventures I undertake, and hopefully a few comedic elements dispersed throughout all of it to lighten the tone.

Stay tuned for an entirely different type of blog...

Creating My Community

In the last handful of days, my entire outlook on things here in Germany, and my emotional condition, seem to have changed.

I've gone from thinking of nothing but Tom and what happened, to thinking about it fairly seldom, and then, only to acknowledge that he made his choice, he's said through his actions that he's not capable of being anything in my life, even a friend, and I deserve better. I still miss him, but I can say to myself, "I don't NEED him - look around, you're in Germany, and you're living your life, and you're doing it just fine on your own. You may want him, but you DON'T need him." And, for the first time in a month, I'm actually able to see the truth in that statement.

And the other big emotional pitfall for me - loneliness - is also resolving itself, especially in the last two days. I have met, and will continue to meet, so many cool individuals this weekend.

Yesterday, I was in Cologne for the evening, and happened to strike up a conversation with an American guy there. Turns out he was one guy in a group of six: all Americans, all Air Force guys, all older than me, in their 30s/40s, most married, and all enjoying Cologne for the last night, because they were heading back to the States the next day (well, 3 of them were; the other 3 are in Germany for another week, but not in Cologne).

Their names were Bill, Jonathan, Paul, Mick, Pogo, and Shrek. The last two definitely had some nicknames goin' on. They were so amazingly nice, and funny, and a little bit buzzed, but not to the point of jerkiness or anything. They commiserated with me on the whole Tom situation, which always comes up, because people always want to know why I'm in Germany, why Cologne, why all alone, etc.

They jokingly (except for Mick, who I'm pretty sure was dead serious) said that we could all drive to Bonn since it wasn't far, and they'd be happy to kick Tom's butt (but they didn't say 'butt'!) for me. They all said that he was the one missing out, and they had no doubt some other handsome, young German guy would sweep me off my feet like I deserved. And, even though they all admitted that guys could be jerks at times, and usually were, they also were proud of themselves that none of them had had a girl move to a different country for them only to dump her two weeks later. I toasted them on that one!

We hung out for about 3 hours, in and around the Christmas markets. We had some beer, we had some Schnapps, we had some Glühwein (a hot spiced-wine-type of drink - we also had a shot of Amaretto in ours: YUM!), we had some bratwurst, we had some homemade Spätzle pasta, we had some hot cheese and bread, we had some steak sandwiches. We ate a lot, we drank a lot, we were full of fun and merriment.

And, being the gentlemen that they were, I didn't have to pay for a thing.

I have a great pic of all of us, courtesy of a nice young German guy whom we accosted from the crowd, and I will be posting this on Facebook within the week hopefully. We'll see. I also have a great souvenir from the evening - two of our Glühwein mugs, which are real mugs, not plastic or cheap, and they say 'Weihnachtsmarkt am Kölner Dom 2008.' Jonathan paid the deposit for the mugs (when you bring them back to the booth, you get your deposit back), and he insisted that I keep two of them, to remember 'all us guys' by. The mugs are really pretty, and a perfect thing to commemorate the evening for me. I will definitely never forget the guys.

It was a great night, and I was really bummed when we had to say our goodbyes. They joked that when I became a famous writer, that they expected me to get all their names right when I talked about them. I assured them I would. So, this is the first official written story about them, and I definitely got all the names right. They would definitely be satisfied.

Anyway, that was last night. What a great Thursday evening. And then today, I met Elina Kuprijenko for the first time, although we've been trying to get together for a few weeks now. Elina is also an Au Pair here in Cologne. She's 21 years old, she's Russian, from the Eukraine, and she doesn't speak English. I'm sure you can imagine how fantastic it was for both of us to stumble through communication in German, our second language, but despite that, we had a great time.

We shopped, we walked, we talked, we shopped, we shopped some more. We really didn't buy much, but it was cool being able to enjoy the normal, non-touristy side of Cologne with someone else for a change. In every other excursion in Cologne for shopping or hanging out in the non-tourist parts of the city, I've been solo.

We will definitely be getting together again - she invited me to hang out tomorrow, but I've actually got plans already, so we're gonna try to hook up next week sometime to go to a disco, or a club or something.

After I split from Elina, I hit the Weihnachtsmarkts again, this time with a purpose. I wanted to buy a really cool candle I had seen at the Heumarkt market when I was there with the family and Sabine's parents - who are visiting this week. It's a round bowl with the candle inside actually, with scenes from Karneval in Cologne, and it's really pretty when it's lit up. I've been wanting to buy it for days, but something always comes up, like meeting the guys the night before.

But finally, I got it! I'm so happy with it. It's lit right now in my room here at the house, and it's sooo pretty. I love it. And after I bought the candle, I went to my favorite bookstore and read there for an hour and a half or so, right before buying some Chinese noodles with chicken from Die Engel Markt, another Christmas market, and hopping the train home.

And then here, I spent the rest of the evening nice and cozy with Sabine, Gerhardt, and Sabine's parents in the living room, with the stove burning, just enjoying some good talking and some good wine while we all helped to wrap the kids' presents for tomorrow (tomorrow is the 6th of December, Sankt Nikolaus Tag. The kids get small presents and sweets from 'Sankt Nikolaus', who leaves everything in their shoes during the night). It's a really nice tradition, and I'll be up early tomorrow - even though I could sleep in - to watch the kids get all excited over the chocolate and books that Sabine and Gerhardt bought for their shoes.

And THEN, tomorrow - I swear, this blog entry will eventually end - I am meeting Adriana for the first time. Adriana, who's 19, is the daughter of one of Sabine's friends, and her uncle is actually American, so she knows a good deal of English. Tomorrow night, I'm going with her and a BIG group of friends, 15 or so, to a party in downtown Cologne, a Sankt Nikolaus party. I'm really, really excited. Not only do I get to meet Adriana, I get to meet a bunch of her friends, and I also get to experience a bit of the party/nightlife atmosphere here, which I haven't done at all yet.

It should be really fun. I'm totally anticipating a great evening.

And THEN, on Sunday, I'm meeting up with Christine, Samuel's swim instructor, FINALLY. We've been trying to get together for about three weeks now, but she's got a busy schedule, and my schedule isn't busy, but it's kinda unpredictable, and we just haven't clicked, time-wise. But on Sunday, we're definitely gonna be able to do that finally. She's also bringing along a friend of hers who spent a year or two in Scotland, I think as an Au Pair, so we'll probably speak a mixture of English and German, and that's so nice for me, almost as relaxing as just speaking straight English.

We're all going to yet another Christmas market, one I haven't been to yet. It's the Middle Ages Christmas Market at the chocolate museum here in Cologne. It actually costs a few Euro to get in, but it's supposed to be a bit like a renaissance fair, and should be totally worth it. And again, I'll expand my circle of friends.

AND, on top of all of that, I actually had to turn down two other invitations to do things this weekend. One was from a girl named Sevim, who I met at Sabine's gym, and who I really like. We were talking about going out today, but I didn't hear back from her soon enough, and so I made plans with Elina. But Sevim and I will go out next week, on either Monday or Thursday probably. Dinner, drinks, maybe a movie. I couldn't be more excited about that - just a 'normal' evening hanging out with a friend!

I also got invited to go out tomorrow with the group of teenagers that live here in Sürth. They're all going to one of the Christmas markets tomorrow evening, and they invited me to come with. Adriana got to me first, though, and a Nikolaus holiday party is something really special. I'm hoping I can go out with the Sürth group to Cologne another time, though. They also mentioned maybe hitting a bar/pub together sometime, and that would be really fun, too.

And - this is the last thing, promise! - today, I spent some time on my computer, and I found a few sites that revolve around English-speaking communities here in Cologne. I created a profile on two sites, sent some inquiries about a few others, and then emailed a bunch of random people my age whose profiles also say they live in Cologne.

And I've already heard back from three of them!

One is a guy named Janz, who's studying in Bonn. He's 25 years old, he speaks English, even though it's not perfect, and he's from Marseilles, France. We've already exchanged a few emails, and he says that he's in Cologne fairly often - the next time he's here, we're gonna try to meet up. This is something I'm really excited about. First of all, it's a guy. I'm not looking to jump into another relationship, but it'll be so nice to have a guy to hang around with, in addition to all of the girlfriends I'm making. Also, he studies in Bonn, which means he's got this whole student community thing going for him. Who knows? If we hit it off, I may visit him in Bonn, get to know more people there, some of his friends and acquaintances, etc. I'm really, really excited about the possibilities here.

The second person is named Benoit, and I didn't contact him so much to get together with just him, but he's hosting an even in Cologne on Sunday, am English literature reading at a pub downtown. I asked him about the time and place, and he sent me back all the pertinent info. So, that's something I may be able to do on Sunday, depending on what time I get together with Christine and her friend.

And the third communication is actually with a HUGE group of people, like 35 or so, who are going to be coming to Cologne tomorrow from Amsterdam. They should arrive in the morning, at around 9:40am or so, and then they're gonna spend the day in the Christmas markets, checking out the Dom, maybe seeing the chocolate museum, etc. They will all be around the Dom at 1:30 for lunch, and then they're taking the Dom tour at 2:30. So, if Sabine doesn't need me tomorrow and nothing's going on around here, I may head out to the city to meet up with this group.

The guy who has arranged the trip emailed me his cell number and said I should just send him an SMS when I'm in the city, and he'll let me know where everyone's at. It would be SO cool to meet some people from Amsterdam, especially as I can travel there in the next two months with my Eurail pass if I want. If I hit it off with anyone, I can definitely follow up on it later.

Things here in Germany seem so much brighter these days...

So, as I promised, this blog entry has finally come to an end.

And it's a dang good end. I'm keeping busy, I'm making friends, I'm getting out, and I'm getting over the drama of the last month of my life, slowly but surely. I'm conquering loneliness, one solid step at a time. I'm in freakin' EUROPE!

Life is good.

From The Heart

An empty room can be so deafening.
The silence makes you wanna scream...
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in the frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried?
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me.
And that's a shame, but...
There's only so many tears that you can cry,
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

Not Surprised

"You know, relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last."

~ Annie (Sandra Bullock)

~ Speed

I'm in a different place than I've been over the last month. Since Tom ended things with us, I can't help but think of more and more reasons to be disappointed in him, more and more ways in which I can see so clearly how selfish, cowardly, and self-involved he really is.

Today was a turning point. I called him. I left a message. I asked for help with a computer issue, something mundane, and not having to do with us or our relationship. I asked for my t-shirt, which he still has at his apartment. I told him that I'm sick of playing games - not that he IS playing games, but that I felt like we were - and that I wanted to stop. I told him that I would like to talk with him again in person, if that was possible. I told him I was disappointed in his lack of communication, his lack of response, and his avoidance of me, and that I felt I deserved more than being ignored. I acknowledged that I don't know what he's doing these days, or who he's spending his time with (this remark I added because a woman answered his cell phone last night when I called); but when it comes to US, I said, I need just a bit more from him, and I don't think that's asking too much. One more talk. One more meeting. One more.

I asked him to call me back.

And he didn't.

And you know the worst part? I'm not surprised.

Selfish, cowardly, self-involved. I'm not surprised that he didn't call back to help me with my computer problem. I'm not surprised he didn't call back to set a time to meet. I'm not surprised he didn't call back even though I specifically asked him to. I'm not surprised. It's just the final evidence that I deserve better than Tom Schwesig, as much as that hurts to say.

He said he cared about me, even though he didn't love me. He said he wanted me in his life still. He said he knew it would work for us to be friends. And he's proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt - through both his actions and his inactions - that those were all lies.

The last lies.

Because I am done putting myself in his hands. I am done thinking of the best things to say, the best approaches, the best way to handle things. I am done being the one to email, the one to call. I am done trying to find a balance between lover or friend. I am done hoping that I still have a friend, despite everything.

And I am done carrying the burnt remains of a relationship that used to be a sacred thing in my heart. They're too heavy a burden to bear, and I'm relinquishing my hold on them now.

~~~

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well,
And now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well,
And now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get,
So much for, so much more.
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get,
So much for, so much more.

Growing Cold

"But alas! I have heard it said, that hearts inflamed by obstacles to their desire grow cold in times of security; I trust we shall never find it so in our experience..."

~ Valentine

- The Count of Monte Cristo

Trust. Thou hast betrayed me...

Kindred Spirits

"I am selfish...I think not of what others would do in my situation, but of what I intend doing myself. I think only that I have known you now a whole year.

From the day I first saw you, all my hopes of happiness have been in securing your affection. One day you acknowledged that you loved me; and since that day my hope of future happiness has rested on obtaining you; for to gain you would be life to me.

Now, I think no more; I say only that fortune has turned against me - I had thought to gain Heaven, and now I have lost it."

~ Maximilian

- The Count of Monte Cristo

Happy Birthday, Ally!

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear Ally!
Happy birthday to you!

Sorry I can't be there with you on your birthday, little sis. I hope you have a great time, though, and I just can't believe you're already nine years old! How lucky we are, to have someone so special in our family for nine whole years now. Love you, kid. :)

Life Imitates Fiction

"I am but a poor friend to you. What a life I cause you to lead...you who are so formed for happiness! I bitterly reproach myself, I assure you."

~ Valentine

"Well! What does it signify, so long as I am satisfied? And I have also a deep conviction that Heaven would not have created two hearts, harmonizing as ours do, and restored us to each other, almost miraculously, at last to separate us."

~Maximilian

~ The Count of Monte Cristo

Time For Another Play

Attention to all lovelorn individuals: Romeo has left the building.

Romeo has issues that you cannot fix.

Let him go. And stop waiting for him to come back. If he hasn't by now, then he probably won't.

Crashing

I'm so tired. And I'm so sick of feeling the way I feel.

I'm ready to wake up now. I'm ready to be happy again. I'm ready to have everything that I came here to have.

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Questioning Communication

Communication after a break-up. It's always tricky. What's too much, what's too little? Should there be any communication at all? And then that dreaded question: what about being friends? Is that even possible after the overwhelming betrayal, the gut-wrenching pain, and the precious trust that was broken into a thousand pieces?

Maybe it would be better if you closed your life completely to that person and everything that reminded you of them. Maybe it'd be better if you just pretended like the other person didn't exist, if you just hammered into your head that the last year of your life WASN'T spent with someone who you loved unconditionally, who you gave everything to - heart, body, and soul. Someone who, in the end, treated you like you didn't mean a goddamn thing.

I don't know how other people handle this, but I'm doing my best to give myself what I need. And so far, this has included a few emails to Tom.

I've had a lot riding on these emails, emotionally. How do you talk "normal" with someone who has meant so much to you for so long? Especially when that person has made it perfectly clear that you're just one of many humans in the world. You're not someone special, you're not someone important, you're not someone they want.

So what the hell do you say in an email?

Here's what I've said:

Email 1: I saw something in the paper today - an event - that I knew you'd like to know about. Here's the info. By the way, I have a new cell phone number. I'd feel better knowing you have it, so here it is.

Email 2: Happy birthday. In spite of everything that's happened, I hope it's a good one.

And Email 3: I'd really like it if you could send me the pictures you have of the Halloween party at your apartment. I don't have too many, and I'd like to have whatever pictures you can send me - pics of other people, of me, of you, of us, whoever. Thanks.

That's it. I've spent three weeks without Tom in my life, and I've had to go from speaking with the man I love as often as possible and wanting to know everything that happens with him, and in his life, to three little emails in three whole weeks.

And they say so little. And there's so much I want and need to say, but I can't, because I don't have the right to say those things anymore. And Tom doesn't want to hear them.

Of course, Tom has responded to these three little emails. He's responded every time, although sometimes it's taken a few days for him to do so. They've all been short. He's been "busy with customers" and "doesn't really have time to be on his computer at home." I'm struggling so hard to believe that that's the truth.

He's busy with work.

He's not busy with partying and having a good time now that he's finally gotten rid of me. He's not busy enjoying his freedom - no girlfriend, no phone calls to make or time to spend together, no commitments, nothing to tie him down. And please, please, please say he's not busy spending time with another woman. With THE other woman.

He's busy with work.

But can I believe that? Can I trust that? Yes. I do trust it. Tom said it, it must be true.

Reality Check.

Tom lies. Tom cheats. Tom doesn't love me.

How can I trust anything when I KNOW those three things for a fact?

Tom promised in his last email that he'd really take some time this week to 'write me back.' I don't know what that means. I don't know what to expect. He said that he 'still wants to stay in contact,' and that he'd never 'block me' from his life. I don't know what that means. He's already blocked me, in every way that means anything.

And then there was his signature: Yours, Tom

Mine.

Mine. Mine. Mine. There couldn't be anything farther from the truth.

Flirting With Reality

Tonight, flirting ensued. Weird feeling, but welcome.

I went out with the 17-year-old across the street, Bianca. Me, her, two of her girlfriends, her boyfriend, and two other guy friends all hung out for a few hours.

Bianca and Amir (or maybe Armir...?) are really sweet together, and he's hilarious. Her two girlfriends I met before, Nelly and Laura. They're cool, too. One of the other guys - Peter - I met last time, and he hasn't said one word to me, and I haven't said one word to him. It's a mutual lack of talking. He reminds me a bit of my cousin Alex actually. Nice, but doesn't say much, at least around me.

And the other guy is named Adam, and I just met him tonight.

Now, before Adam showed up to hang out with the rest of us, Bianca and her friends explained to me that Adam has been dealing with his ex-girlfriend lately, who left him for another guy, and now that hasn't worked out, so she wants Adam back. But he doesn't want her back.

"Good for him!" I exclaimed as they were explaining everything.

So Adam is a bit down on love, but they made sure I knew not to mention to Adam that they'd been talking about him and everything with me, because I guess he's really shy, and really still a bit upset by the whole situation.

Fine for me. I hardly speak any German anyway. It was an easy thing to promise!

I wasn't sure what to expect this evening, because last time I hung out with this group, we just chilled out at the playground with a bit of alcohol and juice and a lot of cigarettes, and I couldn't understand hardly anything they said. It was nice to get out, but I found myself thinking of Tom a lot, and how different it was just "hanging out" with him, and how much I wanted that, over any other type of hanging out with other random people.

But this time, it was actually really, really fun. We stopped at the Penny Markt store to get the requisite juice and vodka, and then we really just chilled at the playground all evening, for like 4 hours. But it was great. We laughed and joked, they taught me less than savory German words, Armir told me that he's getting his license in January (you don't get your license till you're at least 18 here), and then he'll take all of us to the nearest castle ruins, because I had said that was something I was interested in. And the girls and I realized we all like to ski, so later this winter, we'll all go together to the ski place that they like the best. We may even take a few days or a week and visit the apartment that Bianca's parents have in the Alps, and go skiing there!

That would be pretty much awesome!

So, anyway, we had a really good time. I had a really good time. And it was even better after Adam got there. Everyone introduced us, and he was nice, although he didn't say much, not at first. He's really cute: very tall, nice eyes, broad shoulders, full lips, the whole shebang. He's not quite 19, which is - let's face it - a bit young for me, but we had a lot of fun flirting. It was easy, easier than I thought it would be. I had thought that after everything with Tom, I'd be...I don't know...rusty. Or maybe not interested. Or maybe be undesirable to other guys somehow. Like they could sense that someone else already threw me away, so why should they even be interested?

But it wasn't like that at all. Adam was just Adam, and I was just me, and we spent the evening together, and we enjoyed easy flirting. I have no idea if or when I'll see him again, but just having tonight with him made me feel a lot better about a lot of things, most of which have nothing to do with Adam himself.

Tonight I realized that I'm gonna come through this whole messed-up situation with Tom. I'm going to get over this and move on. I'm the winner here, because I don't have problems when it comes to relationships - Tom has problems. I'm not the one who spit on our relationship and ruined everything - Tom did. I'm not the one who bailed and ran away from something real, and emotional, and important - Tom is. And I'm not the one who's a fucked up asshole - that would be Tom (his own words, by the way).

I will have a successful relationship in my life, because it's important to me. I proved to myself when I was with Tom that I am capable of heartfelt, supporting love. I shared everything with him. I didn't hold back. I wasn't selfish. I wasn't self-involved. I gave and gave and gave, because I'd have given anything to see him happy. He truly became the most important thing in my life - I put him first. He - and our happiness together - was my priority.

I've seen what I'm capable of: I am capable of loving. And there is someone out there who will accept my love, and love me wholeheartedly in return, as I deserve. I'm going to have that.

I can't say the same for Tom.

So, I'm so very happy that I went out this evening. I'm so very happy I met Adam. I'm so very happy that I've reassured myself that I'm still ME, still Nicole, and I'm someone worthy of knowing, someone worthy of respecting, and someone worthy of loving.

I deserve to be happy, and tonight I realized that I WILL be again. I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me, and tonight I realized that I WILL have someone in my life who loves me again. It was a good thing to discover, a good thing to realize.

And it snowed.

All in all, a beautiful night.

Feeling Angry

There's not anything too specific that I feel the need to write about today. It's been a really nice day so far, and I'm watching the boys tonight, but not until 7:30pm, and they go to bed at 8:00pm, so really, that will be easy. Gerhardt should be home by 9 or 9:30pm, and then I've got the rest of the night to myself, which is always appreciated!

A lot of new things are starting to happen, really good and exciting things. I'm looking into Eurail passes so I can explore more of Germany and visit my friends Sylvia and Keith where they're living in Stuttgart, plus see some other countries as well, like Denmark, Poland, Austria, Switzerland, etc.

I'm collecting info on tours and things to do in Cologne, and I've got several days' worth of activities already in the works. Plus, I just bought some new guidebooks for Germany, Eastern Europe, Ireland, and Italy thanks to a sweet deal on Amazon. I'm hoping that when the family takes their vacation this summer for two weeks, I can take a solo trip to Italy and/or Ireland.

I met a new girl today, someone who Sabine knows through the fitness center where she works out, and we're probably going to hang out on Saturday night. She's close to my age, and we spoke mostly German together, and that worked out really well. She was cool, and easy to talk to, and she said that I shouldn't judge all Germans on Tom's behavior, because she knows a lot of great German guys. I should meet some of them Saturday she said, and she joked that maybe they can help me take my mind off everything. One can only hope...

I met the American woman across the street finally, Amy is her name. Small world: Amy went to UT in Austin! I spent a few hours over at her house with her and her daughters (2 and 4 years old) yesterday, and it was really nice, because they speak English at home. I could almost pretend like I was in the States again! Amy teaches at a yoga studio near here, and she wants me to come do a few classes for free if I have time. They'll also use me as a babysitter when they can, so that'll be nice, to have some extra cash. AND, the coolest part, Amy wants to use me for writing and translating certain stuff for the yoga studio advertising once my German gets better, which is sooo cool! I may be writing again as a job soon!

And next week, on Wednesday, I'm going to start English lessons with a 17-year-old guy named...uh, don't remember his name. Anyway, I'll be paid 10 Euro an hour, and I'm really looking forward to it. The guy's mom is another friend of Sabine's from the gym, and she's so happy that an "English-speaking tutor" just fell into her lap. They live in Cologne, so I'll just take the street train into the city. It should be something I do every week indefinitely, for at least 1 hour. An extra 40 Euro a month, I can't complain about that!

So, when it comes to life in Europe, I'm doing pretty good I think.

On the break-up front, I'm getting more and more accepting of the fact that Tom left me. I've accepted that the decision was his, I've accepted that he doesn't love me, I've accepted that I can't just email or call him when I'm reminded of him, I've accepted that I can't tell him about my new life here and what's going on every day, I've accepted that he's no longer a supporter or a shoulder to lean on, and I've accepted that my time here in Germany will be spent without the main person that I came here to spend time with.

As my acceptance grows, so does my anger.

I'm very, very angry right now - I've been angry for the last two days, and I anticipate that I will be angry for awhile. The anger is an inescapable thing. It's crippling and empowering at the same time. It consumes every fiber of my being.

I'm angry that I trusted Tom.
I'm angry that I love him.
I'm angry when I think of him cheating on me with another woman.
I'm angry that I can't stop seeing that in my head, over and over.
I'm angry that he probably feels good about his decision to end this.
I'm angry that he has friends and family here, and I don't.
I'm angry that he's so busy and can keep his mind off things.
I'm angry that he laughs or feels happiness at all right now.
I'm angry at his selfishness.
I'm angry that I was a victim to HIS problems.
I'm angry that he may have moved on already, to someone else.
I'm angry that he wrote me a disrespectful and hurtful letter.
I'm angry that we'll never sleep in each other's arms again.
I'm angry that I gave him so much, and he couldn't give me ANYTHING.
I'm angry that I looked into his eyes and couldn't see what was happening.
I'm angry at his self-destructiveness.
I'm angry that he probably feels FREE right now, while I feel abandoned.
I'm angry when I think about all the times he lied to me.
I'm angry when I remember the last "normal" evening we spent together.
I'm angry that his emails always sound happy.
I'm angry that he wants a life without me in it.
I'm angry that all my jokes and funny sayings are the same as his.
I'm angry that he's the first and last person I think of every day.
I'm angry that I'm not enough for him.
I'm angry I gave him my heart so openly.
I'm angry that I still cry myself to sleep over him.

I'm angry that he used me, that he stayed with me through all of his hard times, and took all of the love and support I could give, and then threw me away when he was done needing it, which is exactly the moment when I started needing his love and support the most.

My emotions are fluctuating, my thoughts are shifting, my mind is screaming, my body is aching, my heart is struggling, my hopes are fleeing, and my soul is alone.

I feel as if I'm losing myself to it all.

Who am I?

I'm angry.

Happy Birthday, Zach!

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear Zach (that will forever be your name, never Matt, sorry)!
Happy birthday to you!

Do something fun, and thanks for all the contact and support. :-)

Good

Today was good.

I'm not sure why, but it was.

Everything went pretty smooth, and I didn't have any really terribly hard moments or emotions to contend with. I listened to music while I was watching Konstantin this morning, and we sang, and danced, and played, and it was good.

Then I read a bit this afternoon, and it was good. I'm now 432 pages into my 1,462 page unabridged version of The Count of Monte Cristo. I know that seems like a lot of pages, and I know it's a classic, which most people think means slow and boring, but this is one hell of a book! It's been far too long since the last time that I read it, and I can really lose myself in the story right now. It's sooo good.

Before lunch, I wrote a few emails to people, including my aunt, about her trip here to Germany in April, and that got me thinking about guide books for Europe, which led me to Amazon, which led me to a stupendous deal: Rick Steve's 2008 Guide for Germany & Austria, just $6.99! Usually his books are $18!!! So I bought it right away, along with the Italy guide and the Ireland guide (just in case, for next year), which were also both on sale for $6.99. I got the Eastern Europe guide, too, for the regular price of $16.99. All of this put me over $25, which means I got free shipping to my parents' house in Texas! They'll send the books along to me when they receive them, and then I'll be armed with a veritable ton of things to do and places to see. It was totally good!

Plus, with the help of my Uncle David and Aunt Jenny, I've been researching Eurail tickets, and I think I've settled on the first one I want to get: Germany-Denmark. It's the cheapest ticket that allows travel in Germany, so even if I don't get to Denmark at all (and I'm hoping I CAN get to Denmark), I'll have a ton of days to travel within Germany: day trips to cities, two-day trips to places, or just weekend trips to visit my friends Sylvia and Keith where they live on the military base in Stuttgart (a city, by the way, which I've never been to). I'll be a free woman, with leave to travel about the country! Like a freakin' Southwest commercial! It was good!

And then I had lunch with the family: American-style hot dogs. They looked the same, but tasted totally different. The boys loved that they were eating "American" food. And that was good.

After lunch, I got all decked out in my cold weather gear - even a scarf! - and went across the street to meet the American lady who lives over there, Amy. I didn't get to meet her, though. She's always away when I go over. Bummer. That wasn't so good. But she's not going anywhere, and I'll meet her eventually, and that will be good.

Next, I walked the six or seven blocks from her house to the bank, and listened to music along the way, and took some pictures of the church and the streets, and it was good.

I got to the bank and got my money without a hassle. It was good.

Then, I hopped the next train to Cologne. It's a nice ride, not too long, not too short, and I listened to music and read my book. It was good.

In Cologne, the first thing I did was look for a cell phone store. I found one, and I bought a SIM card and a prepaid phone card for Sabine's old cell phone. I am officially communicado! I have my German phone number, my German minutes, and all I need are a few German friends to start ringing me with plans and fun stuff to do. It was good.

Next, I wandered around in a few wrong directions until I found the tourist center, a little ways from the cathedral. I got some info on bus tours in the city - cost, length of time, destinations, etc., and I'm hoping to do one within the next week or so. There are no walking tours offered at this time of year, but I'm hoping I'll maybe find some other cool stuff to do in those guide books I ordered earlier today. I now have things to do right here in Cologne, which will take my mind off the things I'm NOT doing in Bonn, with Tom. It was good.

After getting the tour info, I took the city train to the main library. I found the books in English without a problem, and I found a ton of books I'd like to read, including Life of Pi and The Chronicles of Blarnia: what looks to be a hilarious parody of the Chronicles of Narnia series. I didn't check anything out - didn't I just mention I have over 1,000 pages to read in The Count of Monte Cristo?! - but now I know where my next books will come from, and they'll be free! It was so good.

And then, I headed up the street from the library to buy a folder for Leonard at the Kaufhof, a department store here in Cologne. He needs the folder for school, and Sabine asked me to get it if I had time. So, I went in, found the folder right away, AND bought a 2009 calendar for only 5 Euro. The calendar is a beautiful collection of shots of the Swiss Alps. It was - and IS! - good.

Then, I hopped the train home. The ride was peaceful, and even though I did think a lot about Tom as we were going along, it wasn't so heavy and crushing and painful as it normally is. It was more bittersweet, and a little melancholy. I'm mostly sad when I think that all of the things I'm doing alone right now, I could be doing with Tom, together. If he wanted that, too. But like I said, that's a step in the right direction. I felt better than I have in awhile when thinking about Tom. The music I was listening to helped. It was good.

When I got back to the house, Sabine and the kids were just sitting down to dinner. I gave Leonard his folder, admired Konstantin's haircut (he got it cut this afternoon, and he looks so much older now!), and joked around a lot with Samuel. We had the radio playing while we all ate, and I lip-synced along with the songs in English, singing into the bottle of water, and Samuel sang back-up on the bottle of juice. It was good.

Then, Sabine and I cleaned everything up, and the boys watched a half hour or so of T.V., and then we all went upstairs. Konstantin went to bed without any fuss, the older boys weren't wild, Sabine read two stories in German, one of which I understood and one of which I didn't, and then the two older boys went to bed. It was good.

When I came downstairs, I checked my email, and found a response from Tom. He said that he was sorry it was late, and that it was short, but that he wanted to let me know that he wasn't ignoring the email I sent him for his birthday. He said thank you. And for once, I didn't feel disappointed that he wasn't writing to me because he feels he made a mistake, or wants me back. I just felt happy to have a response. It was good.

I sent him a quick note back, and I included my cell phone number, which I had already told him I was going to do - it wasn't something I sprang on him. Now he has it. Now he can contact me if he needs to, directly. I'm glad he has it, but I'm putting no expectations on it. I'm not obsessing about it. That's good.

And, just now, I finished emailing a ton of responses to a number of friends and family members who have sent their love and support, and I ran upstairs to say goodnight to Sabine and Gerhardt, and now I'm going to read for a bit and head to bed, because I'm finished writing this blog entry.

And you know what?

It's good.

Bewildering Birthdays

Well, today, the 17th of November, was Tom's birthday. He turned 35 years old.

The hits just keep on comin'.

First, just a little over a week ago now, it was the letter and the break-up, which completely changed everything that we - actually I guess it's more accurate to say 'I' - had planned and hoped for by coming here to Germany.

Then, the very next day, it was our one-year anniversary, a day that should have been such a happy one and that became such a terrible one, full of confusion, pain, and heartache.

Yesterday was the one-month mark for me arriving in Germany, a place that felt like it had a little piece of home in it for the first two weeks, thanks to Tom, and a place where I now feel completely alone and abandoned.

And today is the birthday of the man I loved for a year of my life, and instead of the celebration that it should have been for us together - I was SO excited to spend his birthday with him here in Germany this year - it's become one more landmark day of questions and frustrations, a day in which I've spent every hour thinking, "what if...?" and "why?"

I wrote Tom today - I wrote him an email wishing him a happy birthday. I tried so hard to make it free of any strings, any pain, any sadness. I tried, and truly wanted to succeed, in just wishing him a special day. I couldn't do less than that, and I really wanted to do so much more. I wanted to see him, I wanted to smile at him, and see an answering smile on his face. I wanted to be the first person he heard 'Happy Birthday' from in the morning, and the last person that said 'Happy Birthday' to him before he went to sleep. I wanted to celebrate the day with him, together.

Instead, I'm here, writing this blog and not knowing anything about his birthday, nothing at all.

He didn't write me back. There was no response to the email I sent him.

I'm not sure how to take that, and I'm not sure that I should even try to figure it out, or analyze it. But of course, I did try to analyze it - that's just me. Maybe he didn't get the email. Maybe he wasn't at a computer today at all. Maybe he got it, but didn't feel up to responding, because it was too hard. Maybe he got it and he didn't want to respond because he wishes I wouldn't have sent him anything. Maybe he's read it, and he's thinking of the best way to respond. Maybe he deleted it without reading it. Maybe he read it, and just didn't know what to say back. And, the ultimate fantasy, maybe he didn't respond because he's on his way here, even as I write this. He doesn't need to write an email to me, because he's coming here himself.

It's amazing how much thought you can put into such a small thing - not receiving a response to a birthday email...

Of course, the key point here is that it's Tom's birthday. I said this in the letter I sent him, and I'll say it again now:

What I'm thinking and feeling today really isn't important.

It was Tom's day, and I hope with all my heart that he made the most of it.

Happy birthday, Tom.

One Month

Today was the 16th of November, and that means I've been in Germany for exactly one month.

What a difference one month makes.

Mostly today, I talked with people who loved me, and spent some time relaxing.

And I tried really hard NOT to think about the one month thing, to not ponder how much has changed, or lament the fact that I've lost a big reason for why I'm here in the first place.

Of course, that didn't really work. I still had my emotional downs, and then lower downs, and then crazy ups, and then really, really low downs. And then there were a few spirals, and a few sudden turns, and...

Well, it was pretty much a freakin' air show.

But I think I achieved a type of calm today, in spite of it all. I came to the realization that I've been holding out on really facing everything. There's been a big part of me pretending that it never happened, that Tom is still my love, still my guy, the guy who would never hurt me, never leave me, never do what he did to me. I was still in denial.

But it's been a little over a week now, and I haven't woken up. This did happen. Tom isn't my love, he isn't my guy, he did hurt me, he did leave me, and he did do this to me.

And I'm starting to get tired of holding on to something that maybe isn't worth holding on to. If the person you love doesn't love you back, is there really any reason to keep hoping?

It's not hurting Tom. My holding on to everything doesn't affect him one bit. But it's affecting my entire life. It's tearing me up. Every time I open my email and there's no message from him, every time the phone rings and it's not him, every time I see a silver car outside and it's not his. There are a million times a day where my hopes get crushed just a little more.

And today, I really had to stop and think, why? Why am I hanging on?

Tom gave me no reason to hang on. Tom made things clear: he didn't love me like he should. He didn't see a future for us. He didn't want me in his life as a soul mate, as a partner. He wanted a clean break. He wanted out. He wanted to put us in his rear-view mirror.

And yet here I am, hoping.

I'm not mad at myself about it. I don't feel stupid, or ridiculous. I think it's natural to hang on to what we love.

But there comes a time when you have to acknowledge that you have no control, and that you have to let go, because there's nothing left to hold onto. You just have to surrender to that, as much as it sucks, and as much as it hurts, and as much as you don't want to.

And I think I acknowledged that today.

It's not something I ever thought I'd have to acknowledge one month ago, on October 16th, 2008, when I got off that plane in Frankfurt and threw myself into Tom's arms. I was so happy to finally be with him again. So happy to be together.

One month ago, I'd have laughed at all this.

One month ago, it would have seemed impossible.

And yet...here I am.

Prospects On The Horizon

Today was today. I don't really have anything new to report on the emotional front - I still feel pretty lousy about everything. Nothing's changed there. And I'm still feeling really, really lonely. That was the worst part about today - the loneliness.

However, for a bit of bright news in all the darkness, Sabine, my host mom, has been working overtime on finding me people to hang out with. I have a lot of prospects, and that's probably a good thing. On the one hand, hanging out with anyone other than Tom really doesn't seem at all desirable. No one knows me like he does, especially not here in Germany. Period.

But it's also something I have to do, or Sabine will really start worrying about me, I can tell. And it won't all be bad. When I'm with other people, there are times where I can be totally distracted from everything, at least for a short while, and that's good.

So, I've met and have contact information for Samuel's swim teacher, Christine. She seems really nice, down-to-earth, and speaks English pretty well. We hit it off I think, and I'm really hoping I might be able to hang out with her this Sunday, or maybe next week sometime.

One of Sabine's colleagues has an Au Pair as well, and Sabine called her yesterday to see how old the other girl is, where she's from, and just how nice she seems and all of that. Sabine's friend said that the girl is 21, really nice, from the Ukraine I think, and doesn't like to speak English. Her German is good, though. So that's a little intimidating for me, as I haven't been speaking that much German, at least not well. But I'm supposed to email her before we talk I guess, so I'm totally up for that. If we hit it off and it works, great. If not, there's no loss on either side.

Also, Sabine went to her gym today, and one of the girls who works in the children's play place there talked with Sabine about me, and she gave Sabine her cell number for me because she said, "Oh yeah, I'll take her out!" She's 26, and seems nice to me, just from hearing that she was so eager to meet me and hang out. She's not German, either, she's from Turkey I think, so I'm not sure how her English will be, but the fact that she was so quick to volunteer to spend time with me is really nice, and I'll probably call her within the week.

And then, there are a number of people in the neighborhood that I've met. One family in particular, I'm really interested in getting to know better. The mom, who I haven't met yet, is from the U.S. The dad is German, and him I met, but he speaks perfect English, and they seem to speak English at their home, so their kids know English, too. Amy is the woman's name, and basically once I have some free time, the dad said I should just come over to the house and meet her. They live right across the street from us. PLUS, Amy does yoga with a bunch of other Americans I guess, so there's apparently a whole network here that I can maybe get to be a part of.

And last, but not least, one of Sabine's best friends, who also lives right across the street, has a 17-year-old daughter, Bianca, and they want us to meet. Sabine was a bit concerned about the age difference, but assured me that Bianca was very mature for her age. I'm like, "I don't care if she's NOT, just introduce me! At least it's someone within the vicinity of my age level!" So, I should meet her tomorrow - she'll come over after she finishes school, and the tentative plan is that we'll do something this weekend - a movie, dinner, introducing me to some of her other friends, something like that.

So, I'm starting to feel a bit like I'm up for auction, what with all the people "bidding" on me. Anyone who knows me knows that I'll feel comfortable with just a few close friends, not a menagerie, but the fact that there are so many people here - complete strangers - willing to make time for me, is really sweet, and makes me feel warm inside.

I miss Tom so much, but I am so sick of being lonely. What I've realized is that if I was in the States, I wouldn't be feeling the absence of friends. And Tom probably isn't feeling the absence of friends. That's one thing I really envy him over - he has a network of people who love him, he has a family here. He's being supported right now, through all of this.

So it's time to be nice to myself, and allow myself a bit of comfort, support, and human warmth, too, even if it has to come from relative strangers. The huge amounts of emails that I've been receiving from all of the people in the U.S. who care for me have been fantastic, and overwhelming, and so appreciated, but they just aren't the same as laughing with someone in person, or getting a solid hug, just because you desperately need it.

The Day After

I started writing a few things tonight, and didn't really feel "satisfied" with any of them. First I wrote about the day, what I did, and then I deleted all of that and started writing about the day, how I felt.

Talk about depressing. It wasn't helping me to wallow in my own misery, so I deleted all of that, too. Then, I started writing an "email" to Tom. It wasn't really an email, just a lot of stuff that I want to say to him right now, a lot of things I wish I could share, and a lot of things I wish he could hear. Most of it was very sad, and a lot of it was fairly unhealthy.

Again, I didn't want to keep going with it - I didn't want to sit in those emotions, or soak them in. And now, I'm writing this, because I just needed a bit of an outlet for my thoughts, an outlet that isn't saturated in angst, self-pity, or neediness.

So, for tonight, I'm going to do something fairly mindless, that will allow me to revisit my first thoughts on this whole Tom situation. I'm going to transcribe my journal entry from the morning after Tom and I had our last conversation (Saturday, the 8th of November).

The journal entry is melancholy, and sad, but I think it also conveys a lot of calmness, calmness that I'm definitely not feeling right now. Maybe reading it again will help with that.

So, without further ado...

------------------------------------------

November 9th, 2008:

It's the morning after my last talk with Tom. I received the letter he sent on Thursday, November 6th, one day before our one-year anniversary. Last night, he picked me up at the Suerth train station and we went to Cologne, where we sat at a little Italian place and talked.

I finally got the facts on his cheating, and why he didn't tell me about it, and what happened in the two weeks I was here, and what he was thinking. I also found out more about the letter, why he sent it (Benni was involved in that a bit), and got a little clarification on the actual things he wrote.

Then, I did something that I can't regret, but that I would never advise. I told him that I was willing to put everything behind us to give it another try together, because we finally have a real shot, and I can't just throw that away. But he turned me down.

I offered him a second chance, unconditional love, and he said no.

It broke my heart all over again.

We were already sitting in front of my house at this point, so I got out of his car, very definitively I think, and left all of the things that reminded me of him in the front seat in a bag - actual things, like t-shirts, and books, and little stuff that just screams "Tom!" to me.

And I turned, put my hand on the door, looked into his eyes, and said, "Bye."

Then I closed the door, again definitively, walked up to the gate in front of the house, and stood there for a few seconds with my back turned, sort of to collect my thoughts and calm down (I wasn't crying, though, didn't cry the whole night, although he did...).

But really, I didn't stand there to calm down. I stood there for so long because I was hoping against hope that he would get out of his car and stop me. I wanted him to come after me. That's all I was thinking, over and over: "Come on, come on, come on. Come after me, I'm right here. Open your door, get out, and come after me." But he didn't. I looked back at the car once, but I couldn't see him.

I finally opened the gate, went inside, closed it, and knelt down for a moment, again, to calm down (I was almost hyperventilating at this point), and with the hope that he'd come for me. But he didn't.

I locked the gate and walked to the front door. The light over the door came on. I opened it, and went inside. I locked both locks, took off my scarf, and just let it all sink in for a moment. I grabbed the phone - I had promised to call Mom - and went downstairs. In the hallway, I stood with the light off, staring at the gate and the street through the window.

I didn't see anything. I didn't see his car pass. I don't know if he had already left or not. But what I wanted to see was him come to the gate, wait there for me or get over it somehow, run to me outside, take me in his arms, and tell me he loved me, and wanted me, and that everything would be alright.

But he didn't.

I went into my room, changed, and turned on my computer. The only hope I had left was that he'd used his cell phone to send me an email. "Come back. I'm here. I'm waiting outside." Something. I did have an email in my inbox, a new one. But it was just junk mail.

And that was the end for me.

That's when it really hit home, when I realized it was over. I didn't cry. I was just sad, and exhausted. And I felt used. No question - I still love Tom. But now I have to accept that he doesn't love me as he should, and he doesn't want to be together, to try at all. I gave him the choice - even after everything he did - and he said, "No."

I called my mom then, because I promised I would, and she didn't answer, but the second time I called, she did. And we talked for about an hour and 15 minutes or so.

I told her everything. It was hard to tell her I offered him another chance. I don't regret that - not offering would have been a regret of mine forever I think, because I DO love him unconditionally, and I needed him to know it, and I needed to acknowledge it to myself - but I would never recommend it from an outside perspective. He didn't deserve it, I know. I did it for myself.

But Mom understood, and she said she was proud and amazed at my level of love and forgiveness. But she also said that she's glad he said no, because he knows he can't love me like I deserve it. She said if he'd said yes, she's positive the cycle would just keep repeating, that I would just keep getting hurt, over and over. She's right. I know this, too.

Tom couldn't say yes, and THAT'S why he said no. Tom made the right choice, for once.

But so did I. I'm in love, and that's not going away. I will continue to be in love with Tom for a long time. And I am truly convinced that him saying yes WOULD have broken the cycle. He's never said yes before. Usually he just doesn't say anything, and then we're dragged back into the cycle over and over. But if he would have made the DECISION to say yes, I truly believe that we'd be okay right now. That we'd have our shot. All he needed to do was come after me, by saying yes. Just like at the gate. Just like at the door, just like in the basement, and just like with the email. All he needed to do was come after me.

But he didn't.

The thing is, the night with Tom was so easy. We didn't yell, and there were definitely intense, emotional moments, but honestly, there was also a ton of laughter and happy moments. We still click. We still have all our jokes, all our humorous little insider things, that only we know. His laugh is still the same, so is mine. His delight in my personality, my humor, in ME, is still the same, and so is my delight in his personality, in his humor, in HIM.

THIS makes me cry right now, everything else has been dry-eyed. But this - this is the acknowledgment that I've lost my best friend. Things will never be the same, never like they were.

I grieve that loss so much.

My mom was sad for me, and gave me so much love. She said, based on my calm, what I had said, and understood, and what I had accepted, that I achieved closure. She's right, I think. I felt like I might be okay, for the first time since reading Tom's letter. I still feel this, although I cannot, and will not, ever forget what I feel for him.

Tom said last night that I have the chance to enjoy Germany, this beautiful country, and if we stayed together, he could ruin that for me, distract me from my adventure, because he wasn't in a place to share it with me, and he couldn't give me what I needed in a relationship. Tom is convinced he's a bad person, and an asshole in relationships. His words, not mine. He's proven that he can be, so I won't deny this.

But I told him he'll never convince me he's a bad person. Even with the lying. Even with the cheating. Those are MISTAKES, and all people make mistakes, even good people, and I'm speaking from experience. The key is to LEARN from those mistakes, and grow into a stronger person than you were before. I'll never be angry with him. He wished I would get angry, it would be easier. But I can't.

What Tom doesn't realize is that he's so much more important to me than Europe. He's not perfect, far, far from it. He's selfish, and self-involved. He takes and takes from relationships I think - that's what he did in ours - and has so much trouble opening up emotionally and giving love and support back in equal measure.

And he's self-destructive. He's convinced he's bad, and I truly believe that he subconsciously ruins the good in his life because of that.

But I've seen who Tom can be.

I've seen how loving he can be, I've seen the attention and sweetness he's capable of. I've seen how he treats people, and I believe I know his soul. He is a GOOD person. When he is healthy, happy, and not so much in his head and emotions, he is EXACTLY the man I want. I know this. I've experienced it. I've seen first-hand, and I will always be in love with that Tom. He's my first true love, my soul mate.

After talking with Mom last night, I got ready for bed, wiped the tears from my eyes (yes, I definitely cried on the phone), and laid down in bed. And I prayed.

I thanked God for my family, for my friends, and for all their love. I thanked him for everything that happened in my life, because it makes me who I am today. I thanked him also for all the people in my life, because they make me who I am today, too.

I prayed for peace, and the strength to move past this entire thing and thrive here in Germany.

And I prayed for Tom. I prayed that he would understand himself as a person. That he could get a handle on his life, and get it arranged in a healthy way that made him happy. I prayed that he'd put some serious thought into his opinion of himself, and take steps to change certain elements so that he could gain some self-respect.

And I prayed that he would change his approach to relationships. He needs to become more healthy in this area, he needs to allow himself to love and be loved. He needs to get a handle on his self-destructive behavior, and learn why commitment terrifies him so much that he actively sabotages his own happiness.

But most of all, I prayed that he would just be happy, in every area of his life.

I fell asleep after that. There was a lot in my mind, but I managed to quiet everything eventually so that I could rest.

I dreamed a lot of dreams last night, and most of them involved Tom. In one we were buying McDonald's burgers together, everything normal. We were here in Germany, laughing because the burgers were smaller than in the U.S., and I had trouble ordering in German.

In another, we had to drive to a friend's house - Crista Buresh - to spread the ashes of another friend who had died. I think my grief worked its way into and influenced the theme of this dream quite heavily. But Tom was with me, driving. We listened to music, laughed and enjoyed each other. It was sweet, and felt right.

In another, we were playing games together, just having fun.

And then there was also the fantasy dream, naturally. He didn't let me walk into the house last night. I got to the gate, and I heard his door open and then shut, footsteps behind me, and then we were together, holding each other, lips pressed against lips. He whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you." Over and over and over.

There were more dreams, too - I don't remember them all. But I woke up feeling bittersweet, sad, alone, but with a twinge of energy. A piece of my heart, very small, but there, trying to pull itself together so I could feel okay again.

I can't lie and say I'm better now. I'm writing this, and so much of it hurts to think about. It's all fresh, all new, and all a little hard to believe still.

But I feel that I can accept Tom's decision to end things. As I said, it was the right one. If he couldn't say yes, then he needed to say no, and that's what he did.

He was right when he said he couldn't give me what I needed. My mom was right when she said I deserved better, I deserve all that someone can give me, not just a part.

Tom and I need time.

He needs to get himself together.

I need to experience life here on my own for awhile, to prove that I can succeed. And I need to evaluate everything that's happened, and discover more of myself through that evaluation.

But I will end with this: I know what I want from Tom. I've seen who I want, and he's a good man, he can be. And I know that he's strong enough to figure it all out, with time.

So, who knows what the future may bring?

We're here in Germany now, and time is on our side. Maybe, just maybe, there will be another chapter for us.

I will not plan.
I will not expect.
But I can't help but hope.

------------------------------------------

It worked I think. I DO feel a bit calmer. It was hard to read all of that again, though. Partly because I can really see, hear, and FEEL the truth in it. And it's hard to acknowledge the truth of being apart and separate from Tom.

I don't like it, not one bit.

Suckfest 2008

Today is really sucking it up, big time.

I'm going crazy. I'm reaching a low point. I'm totally depressed.

Lord, grant me serenity, so that I don't do something completely messed up and out of character...

The 11th of November - Karneval!

Today is the 11th of November, and in Cologne, that's a day to celebrate, because Karneval season starts. Karneval is a bit like Mardi Gras in the States, costumes, music, parties, crowds, alcohol. All the good stuff. ;-)

The biggest Karneval period in Cologne is actually at the end of January/beginning of February, and most people, especially older people, with jobs and kids, celebrate Karneval then, because it's an official holiday, and they get work off. But the season itself starts today, and basically it's a younger student crowd thing, at least before 5 or 6pm, since it doesn't conflict with their jobs. There was a lot going on downtown apparently, and I had the entire afternoon off - Sabine didn't need me at all - so I hopped on the train and went into the city to check out what all the hoopla was about.

Sabine had said the main party area was near Heumarkt, but that I could get off the train at Neumarkt and walk my way into the craziness, rather than exiting directly into it. This sounded like a good idea to me, so that's what I did.

When I got off the U-Bahn at Neumarkt, it was pretty easy to tell which way to go - follow all of the loud, costumed Germans with bottles of beer in their hands! I walked down the main shopping street, passing and seeing a lot of celebratory people along the way. All the kinds of costumes you could think of, plus some you probably couldn't, were on display.

Eventually, I got to the Heumarkt area. It was around 1pm or so. As I approached, the music grew louder and louder, and the sounds of a big crowd became evident as well. In a large square, they had cordoned off a huge area so that cars couldn't get through - it was just for pedestrians. And it was totally PACKED with people. A full-blown party, right in the middle of Cologne, right in the middle of the day. Fantastic!

I didn't buy anything, and I didn't eat or drink anything, I just took it all in as I slowly made my way from one end of this mass of people to the other. It took me about an hour. The entire journey was slow and fraught with peril!

Trust me, when you have crazy people in costumes every which way you turn, and you can't hardly move at all because you're wedged between a 10-foot-tall guy wearing a Highlander costume and a woman dressed like a clown, and you've got a tremendous group of people in front of you all wearing stuffed Nemo hats from the Disney movie and orange jackets, and there's a vociferous and rowdy bunch of young 20-something guys behind you, all singing songs in German at the top of their lungs as they slosh their beer everywhere and you try to avoid the cascades, it's quite awkward to make your way anywhere!

Not to mention, there were empty beer bottles, broken glass, and plastic cups on the ground EVERYWHERE. I do not envy whoever had to clean that place up later, and it made walking very, very difficult.

But I managed to emerge from the chaos in one piece, and I had a blast doing it. It was actually really fun, seeing everyone dressed up, listening to loud, energetic music I couldn't quite understand, hearing all of the happy German voices around me (I strained to hear English - I totally would have barged into any group of Americans, Brits, Australians, etc. that I came across - but unfortunately, I didn't find any), and smelling all of the many, many smells permeating the air (not all of which were pleasant).

After I squeezed out of the main hub of celebration, there was still a lot going on. Live music was playing in a number of places on the street, and there were crowds of costumed people all around. It just didn't feel like a can of sardines anymore!

I didn't really want to walk back to the train station that I had come from, as that would mean pressing myself back into the masses, and I wasn't that far from the main train station, the hauptbahnhof, so I headed in that direction. You can't miss it - it's directly next to the Cologne Cathedral, the spires of which you can see from basically anywhere in the city.

It was on my way there that I met my German friends. I use the term 'friends' loosely, only because they were totally drunk, not because they weren't nice. I was walking along, enjoying the sights and sounds, when this guy from a group of guys said, "Excuse me, blah, blah, blah." I didn't understand more than excuse me, because it was German, he was speaking fast, and he was slurring his words.

I smiled at him and said, "Sorry, I don't understand. I'm American."

You'd have thought I'd told him I was Santa Claus, or maybe Heidi Klum. He got this big grin on his face and said, "American? From America?"

I laughed and said yeah. He immediately broke away completely from his buddies and attached himself to my elbow (no respect for personal space, by the way, but I think he may have needed to lean against me for stability, considering all the alcohol), and proceeded to hammer me with questions. It was funny, he wasn't scary at all, and his accent mixed with his drunken state were quite entertaining. I told him I was from Texas, and that I was here visiting friends (I didn't really want to go into details regarding my entire agenda here in Germany), and that I was heading back to the States "soon."

He said he loved America, loved Texas, wanted to go there, because it's always warm, and people are tan. Did I mention he was a bit drunk? Sweet guy, though. And TALL! We walked a block or so together, and then paused as his buddies took a turn onto another street. I needed to go in the opposite direction.

I said I was heading towards the hauptbahnhof, and he was like, "Are you sure? We're going to get some more beer, and you should have some, too." Again, not creepy, just good-natured.

But I said no, I had to get going to catch my train, a white lie, but I was being cautious. Hanging on the street is one thing. Going somewhere of his choosing, entirely something different. He said okay, and we were about to part...when one of his friends came over right as we were shaking hands and saying goodbye and it was nice to meet you. So, the first guy left, but then the second guy stuck around.

The second guy started asking me basically the same questions as the first, and he had space issues, too, but he was literally swaying on his feet from the drinking, so it wasn't bothersome. I was actually kinda afraid he might fall over, though.

Anyway, he started talking about America, and for some reason, he fixated on the fact that it was expensive, and "you need 50,000 Euros in your bank account to go to America." He said this about four times, and to make it all easier, I just said, "yep!"

We talked for a few more minutes, and then he asked if I knew of the website wer-kennt-wen.de. I said no, I don't know it. And he said, "Well, you should go there, and look me up, because I'm FUN."

I laughed at this, and said I bet he was. Then he gave me his name, and spelled it five times (no joke) and told me to find him on the website, because it would be cool. He asked again if I wanted to get some beer with all of them, but I turned him down, and we went our separate ways.

His name was Guido Koros. Nice guy. Unibrow, though. :-)

Eventually I made it to the Dom, and there was some live music in front, which I enjoyed for a bit. Funny guys in funny costumes, but they sounded good! Then, instead of going directly to the train station, I decided to visit the Dom (the cathedral), because I really think it's pretty inside, and I haven't been there since 2006, with Audrey.

I walked around for a bit, enjoyed the grandeur of the place, and then checked the guided the guided tour info, just on a whim.

Actually, to be perfectly honest (which I WILL BE on this blog), it wasn't a whim. I was feeling really lonely. All of the happy people out in that city were with friends. Everyone seemed to be celebrating with someone. And all I could really think at that point was, "If things had gone differently, I'd most likely be enjoying the day with Tom."

But I was alone, in a city that I really liked, on a holiday that made me feel happy, but without anyone to share it with. Like I said, I was feeling lonely.

However, I had an idea. If I could go on an English-speaking tour of the Dom, then I would for sure be with other people who spoke English. And maybe, just maybe, I'd find a friend for the day. It worked for Audrey and I in Berlin - that's how we met our Aussie pal, Mike. I figured, for 4 Euro, it was worth a shot. Plus, if it didn't work out, I would still get to spend an hour or so hearing a bunch of neat history stuff regarding the cathedral, which I hadn't heard since 2006. It was basically a win/win situation, no matter what happened.

So, I stuck around until 2:30pm, and I joined 6 other people on the English-speaking cathedral tour - 2 couples, a girl who looked a few years younger than me, and an older gentleman who spoke perfect German. Not sure why he was on the English tour, but I guess he could understand and speak English, too. More power to him.

After the guide's initial round of inexhaustible history and architectural facts, one of the women, hispanic-looking, with an extremely tall, caucasian husband, asked a question, and I was like, "Americans."

So, on the way to the next point in the cathedral where our guide would give us a steady stream of facts to consume, I said hello to the two of them, and asked if they were just visiting Germany, or staying here somewhere. She said they were on vacation, and that they had already seen Prague, Austria, other cities in Germany, and were heading to Paris tomorrow, before flying home to the States Thursday.

Then, the woman asked about me, and I told her about the Au Pair thing, and that I'd just arrived a few weeks ago.

"That's really great!" she said. "Where are you from in the States?"

"Texas," I said.

"Us, too!" she exclaimed. "Dallas!"

"Austin!" I laughed. "Small world. We live a few hours from each other in Texas and end up meeting each other in freaking Cologne, Germany!"

From that point on, we walked together through the rest of the tour, and talked when we had the chance. I really liked her, although her husband didn't really say much at first.

Sidenote: I also talked to the young girl on the tour, because there was a part of me that thought, "Au Pair!" when I saw her. She was all alone, she was Asian American (found that out once I actually spoke to her), and she was reading a book in one of the pews right up until the tour started. I thought, "What would the chances be of meeting another Au Pair in Cologne from the States, just by taking this tour here today?"

Apparently low. She was an American visiting a friend for a few days in Munich, and she had the chance to come to Cologne for a day via train. She was heading out that night again to Frankfurt, and flying back the the States in the morning. She wasn't really talkative, and I think I intimidated her a bit by striking up a conversation with her! So I stuck with the nice couple from Texas. The other couple, unfortunately, I never really talked to, and the old guy spoke German the whole time to our guide, so I left him alone, too.

But the Texas couple were great! After the main tour, we watched a movie in the visitor's center about the cathedral, and then the tour was officially over. In the lobby, we formally introduced ourselves. I told them my name was Nicole, and the woman was like, "That's our daughter's middle name! Won't forget that, will we?" she asked her husband.

"And what are your names?" I asked.

"I'm Jenny, and this is my husband, David," she said.

I grinned. "And I won't forget YOUR names. I have an Aunt Jenny and Uncle David back home in Michigan!"

It was almost 4pm by the time the movie was finished, and they asked if I'd like to walk around with them for the rest of the day, to which I gave a resounding yes!

David was nice, he was just pretty quiet. When he did talk, he was funny. It was a bummer, though, because he twisted his ankle really bad when they were in Vienna a few days before, and so he was limping the entire time we hung out, and they were afraid maybe it was worse than just a twist. They didn't want to deal with going to a German doctor, though, with all the hassle of insurance and everything, and he said he could tough it out 'till they got back to the States. Poor guy! What rotten luck, to have that happen on your vacation!

We ended up using the U-Bahn a lot, because walking would have been hard for him. So they bought day passes (I have a month pass for the trains, which Sabine and Gerhardt bought me when I first arrived), and we went to the chocolate museum!

I've been there before, with Audrey, but it was fun visiting a second time. Who wouldn't want to visit a chocolate museum again?!

We walked all through and enjoyed each other's company, and we had fun learning how cacao beans are harvested, learning how chocolate is actually made, seeing old Victorian 'hot chocolate' sets (hot chocolate was quite the luxury in Europe at one point), checking out all of the related accessories, like vending machines, advertising signs, packaging, etc., and watching the old T.V. advertisements for chocolate from back in the day. And of course, at the end, we got some free samples, and Jenny and David bought a lot of chocolate at the store for family and friends in the U.S.

They invited me to dinner, but I'm actually pretty broke at this point in my trip (I'll get paid this month's pocket money early - Gerhardt will transfer it to my account on the 15th, so no worries or anything!), and the restaurant they invited me to was pretty expensive (they knew because they had gone there the night before). She said I could get soup or something pretty cheap, but I bowed out gracefully by saying I needed to get back home to the family for dinner.

I parted ways with Jenny and David at the hauptbahnhof, made sure they knew which train to take back to their hotel so David didn't have to walk, and then hopped on the 16, back to Suerth, which is where Gerhardt, Sabine, and the kids live. And where I live now!

On the way back, I did a lot of thinking. And now it comes back to Tom. Sorry, folks. Can't help it. :-)

I had a fun day, and I didn't regret going into town, but as I said, there's a large part of me that knows if Tom and I were still together, things would just be so different. I realized again how many expectations I had formed about how my time here in Germany would be, with him. And now that he's taken himself out of the equation, I have to reshuffle those expectations. But it's SO hard to do.

For months, I planned this choice, this trip, this life I would have here. And now, it's all totally different. It's driving me crazy. Like, literally - I've totally been crazy today.

It was a fun day, but it was a hard day. I didn't go into details, but I did tell Jenny and David about the Tom situation (mostly because they asked questions like "why did you choose Cologne as the city to live in?" and stuff like that - and it didn't really bother me to tell them about Tom).

Their reaction was familiar to me by now. Even people who don't know me, and don't know Tom, and don't know all the details, are just shocked by what happened. They felt so sorry for me, so angry about it all even. And they told me the same thing that everyone else is telling me: being here in Germany is a fantastic opportunity, and I don't need Tom, because he's a big jerk, and I deserve better anyway. They said I'm sweet, and smart, and fun, and that I won't have any trouble meeting other people and having an amazing time without him. They were like, "I know it sucks now, but you're going to be okay, and by the end of your stay, this thing with your boyfriend will feel so distant, and you won't even think about it anymore."

It's good to hear, honest it is. But it's so...I don't know...cliche, I guess. To a certain degree. "It's hard now, but it'll get better, we promise." The thing is, I don't want it to "get better."

I want it to BE better.

There's still that part of me holding onto the idea that Tom might get it together, and realize he's made a mistake, that he should act on the opportunity we have, right now. Then I wouldn't need time to make it better.

It would BE better, be as it should be.

Like I said, I'm totally going crazy. I'm feeling depressed a bit, and a little on edge, or loopy. Like I could do something totally out of character.

Example: There was a big part of me today that wanted to take the train going to Bonn, not Cologne. Bonn is where Tom lives, and I have no idea if he was home today, out, if he's DEAD, I don't know.

But I totally wanted to see him. Spy on him maybe, and not make contact. That way I could see him, but not break any "rules" about contact (I'm not sure if no contact is his rule, or mine, or both of ours, but it definitely feels like one of the rules right now). Or, maybe I'd actually go talk to him, and yell at him. Part of me is definitely starting to feel angry about everything that's been taken away from me with all of this, and I kinda want to scream about it. And then there's the other part that just wants to fall into the "are you SURE you don't want to be together? Because I'm still here, and I'm still hoping, and, and, and" thing.

Seriously! It's enough to drive someone mad.

How do people do this? I thought I'd been there and done that when it comes to experiencing the whole "I love him, but he doesn't give a damn about me, so I better get over him" thing, but this whole situation with Tom is in a league of its own.

I'm just ranting now. I'm just hurting, and trying to give it an outlet. I'm going to stop now. The day was what it was. Nothing I say or do will change that.

And here are the important facts of the day:

I got out today, in spite of depression.
I celebrated with the rest of Cologne, in spite of the bad stuff.
I met new people, in spite of not being with the person I actually want.

And I had fun, in spite of it all.

For now, I guess, that's enough, and, honestly, more than I was ever expecting.

The Story Till Now - Part Two

I arrived in Germany on October 16th, 2008. I was going to spend two weeks with Tom, and then move in with my family on November 1st. I was prepared for two weeks of bliss, without having to worry about work, or money, or any of those things. I wanted to focus solely on Tom, and enjoy our free time together.

But I wasn't prepared for the culture shock. I enjoyed the two weeks, there's no question of that. But I was stressed out on a level that I never expected. EVERYTHING was hard. Ordering food, knowing what to wear in what situation, getting to know Tom's roommates, living in a small confined space with someone who I loved to death, but who I wasn't used to anymore, who I hadn't seen in almost 5 months.

Tom and I laughed. We loved. We had fun. We took a lot of amazing trips in those first two weeks, and we saw a ton of great stuff. But we also fought. We irritated each other. We got on each other's nerves. We had trouble understanding each other, when it came to intentions. We - actually I should say I here - was sensitive, and would read into little things that maybe I shouldn't have. We got mad at each other, and we didn't behave the same, didn't relate exactly as we had in the States.

It was awkward. It was frustrating. It was far from the perfect fantasy that I know both of us had built up in our heads.

BUT, we were together. And we had time to iron those things out. We FINALLY had time. It was an amazing thing to think about. I thought we were in it together. I thought we were on the same page with that.

I was excited to move out of Tom's apartment and start with the family. I'd met them, I'd seen my room, and I KNEW that once I had my own space, and Tom had his own space back, it would be much easier to get used to each other again, much easier to make things 'normal.'

We would talk to each other regularly, we would go out to dinner some nights, we would play, and laugh, and joke, and enjoy our weekends together. We would travel when we had the opportunity, and make new memories together. And best yet, there would be no ticking clock, no departure date to take one of us away to a different country. It was what I had wanted since the beginning of our relationship.

I moved in with the family on November 2nd, a Sunday. Tom brought me to the house, helped me move all my bags, and then left. I missed him like crazy. The first two days were really hard for me. I missed him during the day, I missed him at night, I MISSED him. How crazy, considering we had been driving each other insane!

But I saw Tom in those two days. He came by twice to get the Internet set up for me downstairs. We smiled, and talked, although things like kissing were a little awkward with kids and parents around! But it was nice to see him, and I was looking forward to our first weekend together, our first shot at a "normal" weekend for a "normal" couple.

Not to mention, Friday, November 7th, was our one-year anniversary. I was so excited. I didn't know if we'd do anything special, or if we'd just stay at home and take it easy. It didn't matter. It felt like such an accomplishment.

After everything, we had beaten the odds. And we had all the time in the world to enjoy our success.

But on Thursday, November 6th, 2008, I received a letter here at the house. Sabine, my host mom handed it to me, and I looked at it, and I saw it was from Tom.

For some inexplicable reason, I got a bad feeling the minute that I realized it was from Tom. It was a split second flash, an "Oh no" lit up in neon in my mind. But I immediately shook that thought off. Everything was fine. This was all good. We were living our dream, or at least had the opportunity to do so now.

The letter was most likely an encouraging one. "Dear Nicole, I'm so happy you're here in Germany with me. I know you miss home, I know you're stressed that you're in a different country, and you don't know what to do all the time. I know that you're struggling to fit in with your German family, and that it's hard and emotional. But I am here for you. And I cannot wait to show you all the things I love about Germany, and I cannot wait to show you all the ways I love you. See you this weekend."

That's what I convinced myself of.

I couldn't read the letter right away - I was doing a few things with the kids at that time. But I eventually had a free moment to go down to my room, shut the door, take a seat on the couch, relax a bit, and open it.

If I feel the need, I may post the letter at some point on this blog, write down exactly what it said, word for word. But right now, it would be too hard for me to do. It's hard enough just thinking of the contents, much less having to read every hurtful word all over again.

In the letter, Tom told me that he had lied to me.
He told me that he cheated on me, before I came to Germany.
He told me that the girl was still on his mind.
He told me that he didn't love me anymore.
And he told me that we were finished.

And that was it. That was how an entire year of love, support, suffering, hard work, enjoyment of each other, important decisions, and apparently, a fair amount of deception, ended.

One day before our one-year anniversary.

That's the story till now. I obviously have a lot going on emotionally, and Tom and I have talked since the letter he sent, in person. I actually journaled about this directly after it happened, and I will most likely transcribe that journaling to this blog. It's poignant, and honest, and I believe it truly captures how I felt and continue to feel about all of this.

This is the last thing I'll say for tonight:

It still doesn't feel real.

Tom and I are not together.

But if I close my eyes, and let my imagination take over, we are. We are together, we are in love, and we are enjoying Germany. We are enjoying the chance we have, we are enjoying the opportunity to take a real shot at this relationship, and we are loving the fact that we don't have to listen to that damn ticking clock anymore.

We finally have time, and we finally have each other.

So, from my imagination, from my hopes and dreams and wishes, and because this is my blog, and no one else's, I'd like to take this opportunity to say "I love you, Tom. Happy anniversary."

It may not be real, but for now, it's something I just have to do.