Feeling Angry

There's not anything too specific that I feel the need to write about today. It's been a really nice day so far, and I'm watching the boys tonight, but not until 7:30pm, and they go to bed at 8:00pm, so really, that will be easy. Gerhardt should be home by 9 or 9:30pm, and then I've got the rest of the night to myself, which is always appreciated!

A lot of new things are starting to happen, really good and exciting things. I'm looking into Eurail passes so I can explore more of Germany and visit my friends Sylvia and Keith where they're living in Stuttgart, plus see some other countries as well, like Denmark, Poland, Austria, Switzerland, etc.

I'm collecting info on tours and things to do in Cologne, and I've got several days' worth of activities already in the works. Plus, I just bought some new guidebooks for Germany, Eastern Europe, Ireland, and Italy thanks to a sweet deal on Amazon. I'm hoping that when the family takes their vacation this summer for two weeks, I can take a solo trip to Italy and/or Ireland.

I met a new girl today, someone who Sabine knows through the fitness center where she works out, and we're probably going to hang out on Saturday night. She's close to my age, and we spoke mostly German together, and that worked out really well. She was cool, and easy to talk to, and she said that I shouldn't judge all Germans on Tom's behavior, because she knows a lot of great German guys. I should meet some of them Saturday she said, and she joked that maybe they can help me take my mind off everything. One can only hope...

I met the American woman across the street finally, Amy is her name. Small world: Amy went to UT in Austin! I spent a few hours over at her house with her and her daughters (2 and 4 years old) yesterday, and it was really nice, because they speak English at home. I could almost pretend like I was in the States again! Amy teaches at a yoga studio near here, and she wants me to come do a few classes for free if I have time. They'll also use me as a babysitter when they can, so that'll be nice, to have some extra cash. AND, the coolest part, Amy wants to use me for writing and translating certain stuff for the yoga studio advertising once my German gets better, which is sooo cool! I may be writing again as a job soon!

And next week, on Wednesday, I'm going to start English lessons with a 17-year-old guy named...uh, don't remember his name. Anyway, I'll be paid 10 Euro an hour, and I'm really looking forward to it. The guy's mom is another friend of Sabine's from the gym, and she's so happy that an "English-speaking tutor" just fell into her lap. They live in Cologne, so I'll just take the street train into the city. It should be something I do every week indefinitely, for at least 1 hour. An extra 40 Euro a month, I can't complain about that!

So, when it comes to life in Europe, I'm doing pretty good I think.

On the break-up front, I'm getting more and more accepting of the fact that Tom left me. I've accepted that the decision was his, I've accepted that he doesn't love me, I've accepted that I can't just email or call him when I'm reminded of him, I've accepted that I can't tell him about my new life here and what's going on every day, I've accepted that he's no longer a supporter or a shoulder to lean on, and I've accepted that my time here in Germany will be spent without the main person that I came here to spend time with.

As my acceptance grows, so does my anger.

I'm very, very angry right now - I've been angry for the last two days, and I anticipate that I will be angry for awhile. The anger is an inescapable thing. It's crippling and empowering at the same time. It consumes every fiber of my being.

I'm angry that I trusted Tom.
I'm angry that I love him.
I'm angry when I think of him cheating on me with another woman.
I'm angry that I can't stop seeing that in my head, over and over.
I'm angry that he probably feels good about his decision to end this.
I'm angry that he has friends and family here, and I don't.
I'm angry that he's so busy and can keep his mind off things.
I'm angry that he laughs or feels happiness at all right now.
I'm angry at his selfishness.
I'm angry that I was a victim to HIS problems.
I'm angry that he may have moved on already, to someone else.
I'm angry that he wrote me a disrespectful and hurtful letter.
I'm angry that we'll never sleep in each other's arms again.
I'm angry that I gave him so much, and he couldn't give me ANYTHING.
I'm angry that I looked into his eyes and couldn't see what was happening.
I'm angry at his self-destructiveness.
I'm angry that he probably feels FREE right now, while I feel abandoned.
I'm angry when I think about all the times he lied to me.
I'm angry when I remember the last "normal" evening we spent together.
I'm angry that his emails always sound happy.
I'm angry that he wants a life without me in it.
I'm angry that all my jokes and funny sayings are the same as his.
I'm angry that he's the first and last person I think of every day.
I'm angry that I'm not enough for him.
I'm angry I gave him my heart so openly.
I'm angry that I still cry myself to sleep over him.

I'm angry that he used me, that he stayed with me through all of his hard times, and took all of the love and support I could give, and then threw me away when he was done needing it, which is exactly the moment when I started needing his love and support the most.

My emotions are fluctuating, my thoughts are shifting, my mind is screaming, my body is aching, my heart is struggling, my hopes are fleeing, and my soul is alone.

I feel as if I'm losing myself to it all.

Who am I?

I'm angry.