The Day After

I started writing a few things tonight, and didn't really feel "satisfied" with any of them. First I wrote about the day, what I did, and then I deleted all of that and started writing about the day, how I felt.

Talk about depressing. It wasn't helping me to wallow in my own misery, so I deleted all of that, too. Then, I started writing an "email" to Tom. It wasn't really an email, just a lot of stuff that I want to say to him right now, a lot of things I wish I could share, and a lot of things I wish he could hear. Most of it was very sad, and a lot of it was fairly unhealthy.

Again, I didn't want to keep going with it - I didn't want to sit in those emotions, or soak them in. And now, I'm writing this, because I just needed a bit of an outlet for my thoughts, an outlet that isn't saturated in angst, self-pity, or neediness.

So, for tonight, I'm going to do something fairly mindless, that will allow me to revisit my first thoughts on this whole Tom situation. I'm going to transcribe my journal entry from the morning after Tom and I had our last conversation (Saturday, the 8th of November).

The journal entry is melancholy, and sad, but I think it also conveys a lot of calmness, calmness that I'm definitely not feeling right now. Maybe reading it again will help with that.

So, without further ado...

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November 9th, 2008:

It's the morning after my last talk with Tom. I received the letter he sent on Thursday, November 6th, one day before our one-year anniversary. Last night, he picked me up at the Suerth train station and we went to Cologne, where we sat at a little Italian place and talked.

I finally got the facts on his cheating, and why he didn't tell me about it, and what happened in the two weeks I was here, and what he was thinking. I also found out more about the letter, why he sent it (Benni was involved in that a bit), and got a little clarification on the actual things he wrote.

Then, I did something that I can't regret, but that I would never advise. I told him that I was willing to put everything behind us to give it another try together, because we finally have a real shot, and I can't just throw that away. But he turned me down.

I offered him a second chance, unconditional love, and he said no.

It broke my heart all over again.

We were already sitting in front of my house at this point, so I got out of his car, very definitively I think, and left all of the things that reminded me of him in the front seat in a bag - actual things, like t-shirts, and books, and little stuff that just screams "Tom!" to me.

And I turned, put my hand on the door, looked into his eyes, and said, "Bye."

Then I closed the door, again definitively, walked up to the gate in front of the house, and stood there for a few seconds with my back turned, sort of to collect my thoughts and calm down (I wasn't crying, though, didn't cry the whole night, although he did...).

But really, I didn't stand there to calm down. I stood there for so long because I was hoping against hope that he would get out of his car and stop me. I wanted him to come after me. That's all I was thinking, over and over: "Come on, come on, come on. Come after me, I'm right here. Open your door, get out, and come after me." But he didn't. I looked back at the car once, but I couldn't see him.

I finally opened the gate, went inside, closed it, and knelt down for a moment, again, to calm down (I was almost hyperventilating at this point), and with the hope that he'd come for me. But he didn't.

I locked the gate and walked to the front door. The light over the door came on. I opened it, and went inside. I locked both locks, took off my scarf, and just let it all sink in for a moment. I grabbed the phone - I had promised to call Mom - and went downstairs. In the hallway, I stood with the light off, staring at the gate and the street through the window.

I didn't see anything. I didn't see his car pass. I don't know if he had already left or not. But what I wanted to see was him come to the gate, wait there for me or get over it somehow, run to me outside, take me in his arms, and tell me he loved me, and wanted me, and that everything would be alright.

But he didn't.

I went into my room, changed, and turned on my computer. The only hope I had left was that he'd used his cell phone to send me an email. "Come back. I'm here. I'm waiting outside." Something. I did have an email in my inbox, a new one. But it was just junk mail.

And that was the end for me.

That's when it really hit home, when I realized it was over. I didn't cry. I was just sad, and exhausted. And I felt used. No question - I still love Tom. But now I have to accept that he doesn't love me as he should, and he doesn't want to be together, to try at all. I gave him the choice - even after everything he did - and he said, "No."

I called my mom then, because I promised I would, and she didn't answer, but the second time I called, she did. And we talked for about an hour and 15 minutes or so.

I told her everything. It was hard to tell her I offered him another chance. I don't regret that - not offering would have been a regret of mine forever I think, because I DO love him unconditionally, and I needed him to know it, and I needed to acknowledge it to myself - but I would never recommend it from an outside perspective. He didn't deserve it, I know. I did it for myself.

But Mom understood, and she said she was proud and amazed at my level of love and forgiveness. But she also said that she's glad he said no, because he knows he can't love me like I deserve it. She said if he'd said yes, she's positive the cycle would just keep repeating, that I would just keep getting hurt, over and over. She's right. I know this, too.

Tom couldn't say yes, and THAT'S why he said no. Tom made the right choice, for once.

But so did I. I'm in love, and that's not going away. I will continue to be in love with Tom for a long time. And I am truly convinced that him saying yes WOULD have broken the cycle. He's never said yes before. Usually he just doesn't say anything, and then we're dragged back into the cycle over and over. But if he would have made the DECISION to say yes, I truly believe that we'd be okay right now. That we'd have our shot. All he needed to do was come after me, by saying yes. Just like at the gate. Just like at the door, just like in the basement, and just like with the email. All he needed to do was come after me.

But he didn't.

The thing is, the night with Tom was so easy. We didn't yell, and there were definitely intense, emotional moments, but honestly, there was also a ton of laughter and happy moments. We still click. We still have all our jokes, all our humorous little insider things, that only we know. His laugh is still the same, so is mine. His delight in my personality, my humor, in ME, is still the same, and so is my delight in his personality, in his humor, in HIM.

THIS makes me cry right now, everything else has been dry-eyed. But this - this is the acknowledgment that I've lost my best friend. Things will never be the same, never like they were.

I grieve that loss so much.

My mom was sad for me, and gave me so much love. She said, based on my calm, what I had said, and understood, and what I had accepted, that I achieved closure. She's right, I think. I felt like I might be okay, for the first time since reading Tom's letter. I still feel this, although I cannot, and will not, ever forget what I feel for him.

Tom said last night that I have the chance to enjoy Germany, this beautiful country, and if we stayed together, he could ruin that for me, distract me from my adventure, because he wasn't in a place to share it with me, and he couldn't give me what I needed in a relationship. Tom is convinced he's a bad person, and an asshole in relationships. His words, not mine. He's proven that he can be, so I won't deny this.

But I told him he'll never convince me he's a bad person. Even with the lying. Even with the cheating. Those are MISTAKES, and all people make mistakes, even good people, and I'm speaking from experience. The key is to LEARN from those mistakes, and grow into a stronger person than you were before. I'll never be angry with him. He wished I would get angry, it would be easier. But I can't.

What Tom doesn't realize is that he's so much more important to me than Europe. He's not perfect, far, far from it. He's selfish, and self-involved. He takes and takes from relationships I think - that's what he did in ours - and has so much trouble opening up emotionally and giving love and support back in equal measure.

And he's self-destructive. He's convinced he's bad, and I truly believe that he subconsciously ruins the good in his life because of that.

But I've seen who Tom can be.

I've seen how loving he can be, I've seen the attention and sweetness he's capable of. I've seen how he treats people, and I believe I know his soul. He is a GOOD person. When he is healthy, happy, and not so much in his head and emotions, he is EXACTLY the man I want. I know this. I've experienced it. I've seen first-hand, and I will always be in love with that Tom. He's my first true love, my soul mate.

After talking with Mom last night, I got ready for bed, wiped the tears from my eyes (yes, I definitely cried on the phone), and laid down in bed. And I prayed.

I thanked God for my family, for my friends, and for all their love. I thanked him for everything that happened in my life, because it makes me who I am today. I thanked him also for all the people in my life, because they make me who I am today, too.

I prayed for peace, and the strength to move past this entire thing and thrive here in Germany.

And I prayed for Tom. I prayed that he would understand himself as a person. That he could get a handle on his life, and get it arranged in a healthy way that made him happy. I prayed that he'd put some serious thought into his opinion of himself, and take steps to change certain elements so that he could gain some self-respect.

And I prayed that he would change his approach to relationships. He needs to become more healthy in this area, he needs to allow himself to love and be loved. He needs to get a handle on his self-destructive behavior, and learn why commitment terrifies him so much that he actively sabotages his own happiness.

But most of all, I prayed that he would just be happy, in every area of his life.

I fell asleep after that. There was a lot in my mind, but I managed to quiet everything eventually so that I could rest.

I dreamed a lot of dreams last night, and most of them involved Tom. In one we were buying McDonald's burgers together, everything normal. We were here in Germany, laughing because the burgers were smaller than in the U.S., and I had trouble ordering in German.

In another, we had to drive to a friend's house - Crista Buresh - to spread the ashes of another friend who had died. I think my grief worked its way into and influenced the theme of this dream quite heavily. But Tom was with me, driving. We listened to music, laughed and enjoyed each other. It was sweet, and felt right.

In another, we were playing games together, just having fun.

And then there was also the fantasy dream, naturally. He didn't let me walk into the house last night. I got to the gate, and I heard his door open and then shut, footsteps behind me, and then we were together, holding each other, lips pressed against lips. He whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you." Over and over and over.

There were more dreams, too - I don't remember them all. But I woke up feeling bittersweet, sad, alone, but with a twinge of energy. A piece of my heart, very small, but there, trying to pull itself together so I could feel okay again.

I can't lie and say I'm better now. I'm writing this, and so much of it hurts to think about. It's all fresh, all new, and all a little hard to believe still.

But I feel that I can accept Tom's decision to end things. As I said, it was the right one. If he couldn't say yes, then he needed to say no, and that's what he did.

He was right when he said he couldn't give me what I needed. My mom was right when she said I deserved better, I deserve all that someone can give me, not just a part.

Tom and I need time.

He needs to get himself together.

I need to experience life here on my own for awhile, to prove that I can succeed. And I need to evaluate everything that's happened, and discover more of myself through that evaluation.

But I will end with this: I know what I want from Tom. I've seen who I want, and he's a good man, he can be. And I know that he's strong enough to figure it all out, with time.

So, who knows what the future may bring?

We're here in Germany now, and time is on our side. Maybe, just maybe, there will be another chapter for us.

I will not plan.
I will not expect.
But I can't help but hope.

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It worked I think. I DO feel a bit calmer. It was hard to read all of that again, though. Partly because I can really see, hear, and FEEL the truth in it. And it's hard to acknowledge the truth of being apart and separate from Tom.

I don't like it, not one bit.