One Month

Today was the 16th of November, and that means I've been in Germany for exactly one month.

What a difference one month makes.

Mostly today, I talked with people who loved me, and spent some time relaxing.

And I tried really hard NOT to think about the one month thing, to not ponder how much has changed, or lament the fact that I've lost a big reason for why I'm here in the first place.

Of course, that didn't really work. I still had my emotional downs, and then lower downs, and then crazy ups, and then really, really low downs. And then there were a few spirals, and a few sudden turns, and...

Well, it was pretty much a freakin' air show.

But I think I achieved a type of calm today, in spite of it all. I came to the realization that I've been holding out on really facing everything. There's been a big part of me pretending that it never happened, that Tom is still my love, still my guy, the guy who would never hurt me, never leave me, never do what he did to me. I was still in denial.

But it's been a little over a week now, and I haven't woken up. This did happen. Tom isn't my love, he isn't my guy, he did hurt me, he did leave me, and he did do this to me.

And I'm starting to get tired of holding on to something that maybe isn't worth holding on to. If the person you love doesn't love you back, is there really any reason to keep hoping?

It's not hurting Tom. My holding on to everything doesn't affect him one bit. But it's affecting my entire life. It's tearing me up. Every time I open my email and there's no message from him, every time the phone rings and it's not him, every time I see a silver car outside and it's not his. There are a million times a day where my hopes get crushed just a little more.

And today, I really had to stop and think, why? Why am I hanging on?

Tom gave me no reason to hang on. Tom made things clear: he didn't love me like he should. He didn't see a future for us. He didn't want me in his life as a soul mate, as a partner. He wanted a clean break. He wanted out. He wanted to put us in his rear-view mirror.

And yet here I am, hoping.

I'm not mad at myself about it. I don't feel stupid, or ridiculous. I think it's natural to hang on to what we love.

But there comes a time when you have to acknowledge that you have no control, and that you have to let go, because there's nothing left to hold onto. You just have to surrender to that, as much as it sucks, and as much as it hurts, and as much as you don't want to.

And I think I acknowledged that today.

It's not something I ever thought I'd have to acknowledge one month ago, on October 16th, 2008, when I got off that plane in Frankfurt and threw myself into Tom's arms. I was so happy to finally be with him again. So happy to be together.

One month ago, I'd have laughed at all this.

One month ago, it would have seemed impossible.

And yet...here I am.