The Story Till Now - Part Two

I arrived in Germany on October 16th, 2008. I was going to spend two weeks with Tom, and then move in with my family on November 1st. I was prepared for two weeks of bliss, without having to worry about work, or money, or any of those things. I wanted to focus solely on Tom, and enjoy our free time together.

But I wasn't prepared for the culture shock. I enjoyed the two weeks, there's no question of that. But I was stressed out on a level that I never expected. EVERYTHING was hard. Ordering food, knowing what to wear in what situation, getting to know Tom's roommates, living in a small confined space with someone who I loved to death, but who I wasn't used to anymore, who I hadn't seen in almost 5 months.

Tom and I laughed. We loved. We had fun. We took a lot of amazing trips in those first two weeks, and we saw a ton of great stuff. But we also fought. We irritated each other. We got on each other's nerves. We had trouble understanding each other, when it came to intentions. We - actually I should say I here - was sensitive, and would read into little things that maybe I shouldn't have. We got mad at each other, and we didn't behave the same, didn't relate exactly as we had in the States.

It was awkward. It was frustrating. It was far from the perfect fantasy that I know both of us had built up in our heads.

BUT, we were together. And we had time to iron those things out. We FINALLY had time. It was an amazing thing to think about. I thought we were in it together. I thought we were on the same page with that.

I was excited to move out of Tom's apartment and start with the family. I'd met them, I'd seen my room, and I KNEW that once I had my own space, and Tom had his own space back, it would be much easier to get used to each other again, much easier to make things 'normal.'

We would talk to each other regularly, we would go out to dinner some nights, we would play, and laugh, and joke, and enjoy our weekends together. We would travel when we had the opportunity, and make new memories together. And best yet, there would be no ticking clock, no departure date to take one of us away to a different country. It was what I had wanted since the beginning of our relationship.

I moved in with the family on November 2nd, a Sunday. Tom brought me to the house, helped me move all my bags, and then left. I missed him like crazy. The first two days were really hard for me. I missed him during the day, I missed him at night, I MISSED him. How crazy, considering we had been driving each other insane!

But I saw Tom in those two days. He came by twice to get the Internet set up for me downstairs. We smiled, and talked, although things like kissing were a little awkward with kids and parents around! But it was nice to see him, and I was looking forward to our first weekend together, our first shot at a "normal" weekend for a "normal" couple.

Not to mention, Friday, November 7th, was our one-year anniversary. I was so excited. I didn't know if we'd do anything special, or if we'd just stay at home and take it easy. It didn't matter. It felt like such an accomplishment.

After everything, we had beaten the odds. And we had all the time in the world to enjoy our success.

But on Thursday, November 6th, 2008, I received a letter here at the house. Sabine, my host mom handed it to me, and I looked at it, and I saw it was from Tom.

For some inexplicable reason, I got a bad feeling the minute that I realized it was from Tom. It was a split second flash, an "Oh no" lit up in neon in my mind. But I immediately shook that thought off. Everything was fine. This was all good. We were living our dream, or at least had the opportunity to do so now.

The letter was most likely an encouraging one. "Dear Nicole, I'm so happy you're here in Germany with me. I know you miss home, I know you're stressed that you're in a different country, and you don't know what to do all the time. I know that you're struggling to fit in with your German family, and that it's hard and emotional. But I am here for you. And I cannot wait to show you all the things I love about Germany, and I cannot wait to show you all the ways I love you. See you this weekend."

That's what I convinced myself of.

I couldn't read the letter right away - I was doing a few things with the kids at that time. But I eventually had a free moment to go down to my room, shut the door, take a seat on the couch, relax a bit, and open it.

If I feel the need, I may post the letter at some point on this blog, write down exactly what it said, word for word. But right now, it would be too hard for me to do. It's hard enough just thinking of the contents, much less having to read every hurtful word all over again.

In the letter, Tom told me that he had lied to me.
He told me that he cheated on me, before I came to Germany.
He told me that the girl was still on his mind.
He told me that he didn't love me anymore.
And he told me that we were finished.

And that was it. That was how an entire year of love, support, suffering, hard work, enjoyment of each other, important decisions, and apparently, a fair amount of deception, ended.

One day before our one-year anniversary.

That's the story till now. I obviously have a lot going on emotionally, and Tom and I have talked since the letter he sent, in person. I actually journaled about this directly after it happened, and I will most likely transcribe that journaling to this blog. It's poignant, and honest, and I believe it truly captures how I felt and continue to feel about all of this.

This is the last thing I'll say for tonight:

It still doesn't feel real.

Tom and I are not together.

But if I close my eyes, and let my imagination take over, we are. We are together, we are in love, and we are enjoying Germany. We are enjoying the chance we have, we are enjoying the opportunity to take a real shot at this relationship, and we are loving the fact that we don't have to listen to that damn ticking clock anymore.

We finally have time, and we finally have each other.

So, from my imagination, from my hopes and dreams and wishes, and because this is my blog, and no one else's, I'd like to take this opportunity to say "I love you, Tom. Happy anniversary."

It may not be real, but for now, it's something I just have to do.