Questioning Communication

Communication after a break-up. It's always tricky. What's too much, what's too little? Should there be any communication at all? And then that dreaded question: what about being friends? Is that even possible after the overwhelming betrayal, the gut-wrenching pain, and the precious trust that was broken into a thousand pieces?

Maybe it would be better if you closed your life completely to that person and everything that reminded you of them. Maybe it'd be better if you just pretended like the other person didn't exist, if you just hammered into your head that the last year of your life WASN'T spent with someone who you loved unconditionally, who you gave everything to - heart, body, and soul. Someone who, in the end, treated you like you didn't mean a goddamn thing.

I don't know how other people handle this, but I'm doing my best to give myself what I need. And so far, this has included a few emails to Tom.

I've had a lot riding on these emails, emotionally. How do you talk "normal" with someone who has meant so much to you for so long? Especially when that person has made it perfectly clear that you're just one of many humans in the world. You're not someone special, you're not someone important, you're not someone they want.

So what the hell do you say in an email?

Here's what I've said:

Email 1: I saw something in the paper today - an event - that I knew you'd like to know about. Here's the info. By the way, I have a new cell phone number. I'd feel better knowing you have it, so here it is.

Email 2: Happy birthday. In spite of everything that's happened, I hope it's a good one.

And Email 3: I'd really like it if you could send me the pictures you have of the Halloween party at your apartment. I don't have too many, and I'd like to have whatever pictures you can send me - pics of other people, of me, of you, of us, whoever. Thanks.

That's it. I've spent three weeks without Tom in my life, and I've had to go from speaking with the man I love as often as possible and wanting to know everything that happens with him, and in his life, to three little emails in three whole weeks.

And they say so little. And there's so much I want and need to say, but I can't, because I don't have the right to say those things anymore. And Tom doesn't want to hear them.

Of course, Tom has responded to these three little emails. He's responded every time, although sometimes it's taken a few days for him to do so. They've all been short. He's been "busy with customers" and "doesn't really have time to be on his computer at home." I'm struggling so hard to believe that that's the truth.

He's busy with work.

He's not busy with partying and having a good time now that he's finally gotten rid of me. He's not busy enjoying his freedom - no girlfriend, no phone calls to make or time to spend together, no commitments, nothing to tie him down. And please, please, please say he's not busy spending time with another woman. With THE other woman.

He's busy with work.

But can I believe that? Can I trust that? Yes. I do trust it. Tom said it, it must be true.

Reality Check.

Tom lies. Tom cheats. Tom doesn't love me.

How can I trust anything when I KNOW those three things for a fact?

Tom promised in his last email that he'd really take some time this week to 'write me back.' I don't know what that means. I don't know what to expect. He said that he 'still wants to stay in contact,' and that he'd never 'block me' from his life. I don't know what that means. He's already blocked me, in every way that means anything.

And then there was his signature: Yours, Tom

Mine.

Mine. Mine. Mine. There couldn't be anything farther from the truth.