The 11th of November - Karneval!

Today is the 11th of November, and in Cologne, that's a day to celebrate, because Karneval season starts. Karneval is a bit like Mardi Gras in the States, costumes, music, parties, crowds, alcohol. All the good stuff. ;-)

The biggest Karneval period in Cologne is actually at the end of January/beginning of February, and most people, especially older people, with jobs and kids, celebrate Karneval then, because it's an official holiday, and they get work off. But the season itself starts today, and basically it's a younger student crowd thing, at least before 5 or 6pm, since it doesn't conflict with their jobs. There was a lot going on downtown apparently, and I had the entire afternoon off - Sabine didn't need me at all - so I hopped on the train and went into the city to check out what all the hoopla was about.

Sabine had said the main party area was near Heumarkt, but that I could get off the train at Neumarkt and walk my way into the craziness, rather than exiting directly into it. This sounded like a good idea to me, so that's what I did.

When I got off the U-Bahn at Neumarkt, it was pretty easy to tell which way to go - follow all of the loud, costumed Germans with bottles of beer in their hands! I walked down the main shopping street, passing and seeing a lot of celebratory people along the way. All the kinds of costumes you could think of, plus some you probably couldn't, were on display.

Eventually, I got to the Heumarkt area. It was around 1pm or so. As I approached, the music grew louder and louder, and the sounds of a big crowd became evident as well. In a large square, they had cordoned off a huge area so that cars couldn't get through - it was just for pedestrians. And it was totally PACKED with people. A full-blown party, right in the middle of Cologne, right in the middle of the day. Fantastic!

I didn't buy anything, and I didn't eat or drink anything, I just took it all in as I slowly made my way from one end of this mass of people to the other. It took me about an hour. The entire journey was slow and fraught with peril!

Trust me, when you have crazy people in costumes every which way you turn, and you can't hardly move at all because you're wedged between a 10-foot-tall guy wearing a Highlander costume and a woman dressed like a clown, and you've got a tremendous group of people in front of you all wearing stuffed Nemo hats from the Disney movie and orange jackets, and there's a vociferous and rowdy bunch of young 20-something guys behind you, all singing songs in German at the top of their lungs as they slosh their beer everywhere and you try to avoid the cascades, it's quite awkward to make your way anywhere!

Not to mention, there were empty beer bottles, broken glass, and plastic cups on the ground EVERYWHERE. I do not envy whoever had to clean that place up later, and it made walking very, very difficult.

But I managed to emerge from the chaos in one piece, and I had a blast doing it. It was actually really fun, seeing everyone dressed up, listening to loud, energetic music I couldn't quite understand, hearing all of the happy German voices around me (I strained to hear English - I totally would have barged into any group of Americans, Brits, Australians, etc. that I came across - but unfortunately, I didn't find any), and smelling all of the many, many smells permeating the air (not all of which were pleasant).

After I squeezed out of the main hub of celebration, there was still a lot going on. Live music was playing in a number of places on the street, and there were crowds of costumed people all around. It just didn't feel like a can of sardines anymore!

I didn't really want to walk back to the train station that I had come from, as that would mean pressing myself back into the masses, and I wasn't that far from the main train station, the hauptbahnhof, so I headed in that direction. You can't miss it - it's directly next to the Cologne Cathedral, the spires of which you can see from basically anywhere in the city.

It was on my way there that I met my German friends. I use the term 'friends' loosely, only because they were totally drunk, not because they weren't nice. I was walking along, enjoying the sights and sounds, when this guy from a group of guys said, "Excuse me, blah, blah, blah." I didn't understand more than excuse me, because it was German, he was speaking fast, and he was slurring his words.

I smiled at him and said, "Sorry, I don't understand. I'm American."

You'd have thought I'd told him I was Santa Claus, or maybe Heidi Klum. He got this big grin on his face and said, "American? From America?"

I laughed and said yeah. He immediately broke away completely from his buddies and attached himself to my elbow (no respect for personal space, by the way, but I think he may have needed to lean against me for stability, considering all the alcohol), and proceeded to hammer me with questions. It was funny, he wasn't scary at all, and his accent mixed with his drunken state were quite entertaining. I told him I was from Texas, and that I was here visiting friends (I didn't really want to go into details regarding my entire agenda here in Germany), and that I was heading back to the States "soon."

He said he loved America, loved Texas, wanted to go there, because it's always warm, and people are tan. Did I mention he was a bit drunk? Sweet guy, though. And TALL! We walked a block or so together, and then paused as his buddies took a turn onto another street. I needed to go in the opposite direction.

I said I was heading towards the hauptbahnhof, and he was like, "Are you sure? We're going to get some more beer, and you should have some, too." Again, not creepy, just good-natured.

But I said no, I had to get going to catch my train, a white lie, but I was being cautious. Hanging on the street is one thing. Going somewhere of his choosing, entirely something different. He said okay, and we were about to part...when one of his friends came over right as we were shaking hands and saying goodbye and it was nice to meet you. So, the first guy left, but then the second guy stuck around.

The second guy started asking me basically the same questions as the first, and he had space issues, too, but he was literally swaying on his feet from the drinking, so it wasn't bothersome. I was actually kinda afraid he might fall over, though.

Anyway, he started talking about America, and for some reason, he fixated on the fact that it was expensive, and "you need 50,000 Euros in your bank account to go to America." He said this about four times, and to make it all easier, I just said, "yep!"

We talked for a few more minutes, and then he asked if I knew of the website wer-kennt-wen.de. I said no, I don't know it. And he said, "Well, you should go there, and look me up, because I'm FUN."

I laughed at this, and said I bet he was. Then he gave me his name, and spelled it five times (no joke) and told me to find him on the website, because it would be cool. He asked again if I wanted to get some beer with all of them, but I turned him down, and we went our separate ways.

His name was Guido Koros. Nice guy. Unibrow, though. :-)

Eventually I made it to the Dom, and there was some live music in front, which I enjoyed for a bit. Funny guys in funny costumes, but they sounded good! Then, instead of going directly to the train station, I decided to visit the Dom (the cathedral), because I really think it's pretty inside, and I haven't been there since 2006, with Audrey.

I walked around for a bit, enjoyed the grandeur of the place, and then checked the guided the guided tour info, just on a whim.

Actually, to be perfectly honest (which I WILL BE on this blog), it wasn't a whim. I was feeling really lonely. All of the happy people out in that city were with friends. Everyone seemed to be celebrating with someone. And all I could really think at that point was, "If things had gone differently, I'd most likely be enjoying the day with Tom."

But I was alone, in a city that I really liked, on a holiday that made me feel happy, but without anyone to share it with. Like I said, I was feeling lonely.

However, I had an idea. If I could go on an English-speaking tour of the Dom, then I would for sure be with other people who spoke English. And maybe, just maybe, I'd find a friend for the day. It worked for Audrey and I in Berlin - that's how we met our Aussie pal, Mike. I figured, for 4 Euro, it was worth a shot. Plus, if it didn't work out, I would still get to spend an hour or so hearing a bunch of neat history stuff regarding the cathedral, which I hadn't heard since 2006. It was basically a win/win situation, no matter what happened.

So, I stuck around until 2:30pm, and I joined 6 other people on the English-speaking cathedral tour - 2 couples, a girl who looked a few years younger than me, and an older gentleman who spoke perfect German. Not sure why he was on the English tour, but I guess he could understand and speak English, too. More power to him.

After the guide's initial round of inexhaustible history and architectural facts, one of the women, hispanic-looking, with an extremely tall, caucasian husband, asked a question, and I was like, "Americans."

So, on the way to the next point in the cathedral where our guide would give us a steady stream of facts to consume, I said hello to the two of them, and asked if they were just visiting Germany, or staying here somewhere. She said they were on vacation, and that they had already seen Prague, Austria, other cities in Germany, and were heading to Paris tomorrow, before flying home to the States Thursday.

Then, the woman asked about me, and I told her about the Au Pair thing, and that I'd just arrived a few weeks ago.

"That's really great!" she said. "Where are you from in the States?"

"Texas," I said.

"Us, too!" she exclaimed. "Dallas!"

"Austin!" I laughed. "Small world. We live a few hours from each other in Texas and end up meeting each other in freaking Cologne, Germany!"

From that point on, we walked together through the rest of the tour, and talked when we had the chance. I really liked her, although her husband didn't really say much at first.

Sidenote: I also talked to the young girl on the tour, because there was a part of me that thought, "Au Pair!" when I saw her. She was all alone, she was Asian American (found that out once I actually spoke to her), and she was reading a book in one of the pews right up until the tour started. I thought, "What would the chances be of meeting another Au Pair in Cologne from the States, just by taking this tour here today?"

Apparently low. She was an American visiting a friend for a few days in Munich, and she had the chance to come to Cologne for a day via train. She was heading out that night again to Frankfurt, and flying back the the States in the morning. She wasn't really talkative, and I think I intimidated her a bit by striking up a conversation with her! So I stuck with the nice couple from Texas. The other couple, unfortunately, I never really talked to, and the old guy spoke German the whole time to our guide, so I left him alone, too.

But the Texas couple were great! After the main tour, we watched a movie in the visitor's center about the cathedral, and then the tour was officially over. In the lobby, we formally introduced ourselves. I told them my name was Nicole, and the woman was like, "That's our daughter's middle name! Won't forget that, will we?" she asked her husband.

"And what are your names?" I asked.

"I'm Jenny, and this is my husband, David," she said.

I grinned. "And I won't forget YOUR names. I have an Aunt Jenny and Uncle David back home in Michigan!"

It was almost 4pm by the time the movie was finished, and they asked if I'd like to walk around with them for the rest of the day, to which I gave a resounding yes!

David was nice, he was just pretty quiet. When he did talk, he was funny. It was a bummer, though, because he twisted his ankle really bad when they were in Vienna a few days before, and so he was limping the entire time we hung out, and they were afraid maybe it was worse than just a twist. They didn't want to deal with going to a German doctor, though, with all the hassle of insurance and everything, and he said he could tough it out 'till they got back to the States. Poor guy! What rotten luck, to have that happen on your vacation!

We ended up using the U-Bahn a lot, because walking would have been hard for him. So they bought day passes (I have a month pass for the trains, which Sabine and Gerhardt bought me when I first arrived), and we went to the chocolate museum!

I've been there before, with Audrey, but it was fun visiting a second time. Who wouldn't want to visit a chocolate museum again?!

We walked all through and enjoyed each other's company, and we had fun learning how cacao beans are harvested, learning how chocolate is actually made, seeing old Victorian 'hot chocolate' sets (hot chocolate was quite the luxury in Europe at one point), checking out all of the related accessories, like vending machines, advertising signs, packaging, etc., and watching the old T.V. advertisements for chocolate from back in the day. And of course, at the end, we got some free samples, and Jenny and David bought a lot of chocolate at the store for family and friends in the U.S.

They invited me to dinner, but I'm actually pretty broke at this point in my trip (I'll get paid this month's pocket money early - Gerhardt will transfer it to my account on the 15th, so no worries or anything!), and the restaurant they invited me to was pretty expensive (they knew because they had gone there the night before). She said I could get soup or something pretty cheap, but I bowed out gracefully by saying I needed to get back home to the family for dinner.

I parted ways with Jenny and David at the hauptbahnhof, made sure they knew which train to take back to their hotel so David didn't have to walk, and then hopped on the 16, back to Suerth, which is where Gerhardt, Sabine, and the kids live. And where I live now!

On the way back, I did a lot of thinking. And now it comes back to Tom. Sorry, folks. Can't help it. :-)

I had a fun day, and I didn't regret going into town, but as I said, there's a large part of me that knows if Tom and I were still together, things would just be so different. I realized again how many expectations I had formed about how my time here in Germany would be, with him. And now that he's taken himself out of the equation, I have to reshuffle those expectations. But it's SO hard to do.

For months, I planned this choice, this trip, this life I would have here. And now, it's all totally different. It's driving me crazy. Like, literally - I've totally been crazy today.

It was a fun day, but it was a hard day. I didn't go into details, but I did tell Jenny and David about the Tom situation (mostly because they asked questions like "why did you choose Cologne as the city to live in?" and stuff like that - and it didn't really bother me to tell them about Tom).

Their reaction was familiar to me by now. Even people who don't know me, and don't know Tom, and don't know all the details, are just shocked by what happened. They felt so sorry for me, so angry about it all even. And they told me the same thing that everyone else is telling me: being here in Germany is a fantastic opportunity, and I don't need Tom, because he's a big jerk, and I deserve better anyway. They said I'm sweet, and smart, and fun, and that I won't have any trouble meeting other people and having an amazing time without him. They were like, "I know it sucks now, but you're going to be okay, and by the end of your stay, this thing with your boyfriend will feel so distant, and you won't even think about it anymore."

It's good to hear, honest it is. But it's so...I don't know...cliche, I guess. To a certain degree. "It's hard now, but it'll get better, we promise." The thing is, I don't want it to "get better."

I want it to BE better.

There's still that part of me holding onto the idea that Tom might get it together, and realize he's made a mistake, that he should act on the opportunity we have, right now. Then I wouldn't need time to make it better.

It would BE better, be as it should be.

Like I said, I'm totally going crazy. I'm feeling depressed a bit, and a little on edge, or loopy. Like I could do something totally out of character.

Example: There was a big part of me today that wanted to take the train going to Bonn, not Cologne. Bonn is where Tom lives, and I have no idea if he was home today, out, if he's DEAD, I don't know.

But I totally wanted to see him. Spy on him maybe, and not make contact. That way I could see him, but not break any "rules" about contact (I'm not sure if no contact is his rule, or mine, or both of ours, but it definitely feels like one of the rules right now). Or, maybe I'd actually go talk to him, and yell at him. Part of me is definitely starting to feel angry about everything that's been taken away from me with all of this, and I kinda want to scream about it. And then there's the other part that just wants to fall into the "are you SURE you don't want to be together? Because I'm still here, and I'm still hoping, and, and, and" thing.

Seriously! It's enough to drive someone mad.

How do people do this? I thought I'd been there and done that when it comes to experiencing the whole "I love him, but he doesn't give a damn about me, so I better get over him" thing, but this whole situation with Tom is in a league of its own.

I'm just ranting now. I'm just hurting, and trying to give it an outlet. I'm going to stop now. The day was what it was. Nothing I say or do will change that.

And here are the important facts of the day:

I got out today, in spite of depression.
I celebrated with the rest of Cologne, in spite of the bad stuff.
I met new people, in spite of not being with the person I actually want.

And I had fun, in spite of it all.

For now, I guess, that's enough, and, honestly, more than I was ever expecting.