There's so much that I'm feeling right now. Today, yesterday, the entire weekend. Since Thursday, my entire world is different.
And I hate it. And I just want to wake up.
But before I go into any of that, I'd like to get the details laid out. For myself, and for the people who love me, care about me, and are rooting for me to make it through all of this.
So, in case you're not familiar with the details (I can't expect everyone to put MY details as THEIR priority, after all!), here's the skinny:
I'm 23 years old. In June of 2007, when I was 22 and working as a copywriter for an educational trading company in Austin, Texas, I met Tom. Tom was the computer guy, our IT guru. He was older than me - 33 at that time - very attractive, and totally intimidating. We didn't really talk besides our introduction. A week later, Tom went back to Germany, where he lives. Did I mention he's German?
This was Tom's schedule: he lived in Germany, but worked for our American company. When he was in Germany, he worked on U.S. time, 9am to 5pm, so from 4pm to 12am for him. Every three months or so, he would travel to the U.S. and spend 6 weeks working at our Austin office.
So, in October of 2007, he came back to the States again. I was more confident in my place at the company at this time, and Tom and I eventually became friends. We clicked pretty much right away - same interests, same sense of humor, same love of laughter. We took a trip together to Big Bend National Park the first weekend of November 2007. It was an amazing trip. We were still just friends, but there was definitely potential. We both recognized that.
A few days later, we kissed for the first time. It was the start of something big, that's what I remember thinking. And I was right. The relationship progressed fast by most standards, but it didn't feel like that at all to me, or to Tom, or to anyone who saw how well we fit together.
The rest of November was like a fairytale. We spent all the time together we could, joking, laughing, loving, just enjoying each to the fullest degree. On November 17th, Tom's birthday, we said I love you for the first time. He said it first. It was, and I think Tom would agree, a perfect month, something you dream about, but never believe you'll experience.
Then, the day after Thanksgiving, Tom returned to Germany. We didn't know exactly when we'd see each other again, but we thought he'd be back to the States in February of 2008, and we hoped it might be possible for me to visit him in Germany before that. Being apart was so hard. For those of you who really scoff at this line, I'm telling you, it's true: long distance relationships SUCK.
We texted each other, emailed, called. We still worked together via Internet, and that helped. But it was a long time apart.
In December, we got the okay from our boss for me to visit Tom in Germany for three weeks, provided that I continued working for those three weeks. I agreed, and Tom and I were ecstatic to see each other again.
I flew out January 12th, 2008, arrived in Frankfurt on the 13th, and basically melted when I saw Tom at the airport for the first time. Unfortunately, though, there were a few drawbacks during my visit.
Tom was having serious medical problems, problems with his back. He had a herniated disk. Thankfully, he didn't require surgery, but he had a lot of chiropractic appointments and therapy to attend, and he was in a lot of pain. For the majority of the time I was there, he didn't work at all, he just wasn't able to.
This didn't stop us from enjoying each other, though. We still had a great time. From visiting Disneyland Paris in France, to visiting De Efteling in The Netherlands, to actually being involved in an armed robbery at a McDonald's, where we had to lay on the floor and everything (talk about surreal!), it was a trip to be remembered.
During the time I was in Germany, I celebrated my 23rd birthday, and I couldn't wish for anything more than being able to spend it with Tom.
But all too soon, the trip was at an end. I had to fly back to the States. We were sad, but hopeful. Tom was supposed to follow within a few weeks, a month at the most. We would see each other again soon.
But we didn't.
Due to company reasons, Tom could not return to the States in February. We were disappointed to say the least, but in hindsight, it turned out to be for the best.
If Tom had flown to the U.S. in February, he still would have been there for the beginning of March, and on March 7th, 2008, Tom's father, who had suffered from Alzheimer's for a very long time, passed away.
It was an especially hard time for Tom, naturally. He became fairly distant, and was continually stressed out by funeral arrangements, work at the company, and even our relationship. For my part, I felt helpless. The man I loved was in pain, having an amazingly hard time, and I was stuck in the U.S., apart from him.
After weeks of struggling to make sense of everything again, Tom made a pretty big decision for his life, one which affected us and our relationship especially. He quit working for the U.S. trading company in Austin. It wasn't an easy decision, but he was dealing with too much, and the job was one of the few things that was definitely expendable.
April was a terrible month for us. Tom was no longer working for the same company as I was - our communication time and opportunities were lessened severely. Working with Tom so long at the company was something I had come to expect, and enjoy. I missed him, and I lost most of the affection I had for my job, my boss, and the company because of it.
I was also very worried about the decision in terms of our relationship. Tom had already cut one main tie to the U.S., and he was having doubts about every area of his life, including us. Would I be the next "expendable" thing on his list?
There were moments where we came close to that, but we held on, or I should say, I held on to him, in spite of the fact that the relationship was very one-sided, and we eventually got to a better place. And then, at the end of April, Tom told me he had booked a flight the U.S. He would be in Austin for two weeks, and he was coming there to see me.
I was so happy. WE were so happy. It had been about three months since we'd seen each other - it was strange to think about that, because it felt like way less time, and way more, all at once.
When Tom arrived, I believed that we were both nervous, and not sure what to expect of the trip. We had had so many struggles in the months we weren't together. Would we still click? Would we still be the same Tom and Nicole?
The answer was yes, after a bit of adjustment time. Things weren't easy, or effortless, as it had been in November, but we were still us. And we still fit together.
We were still in love, and we reaffirmed that. It didn't feel right for either of us to go our own way. We felt that we had something special, and we weren't willing to sacrifice that.
The two weeks in May were precious, and sweet. We related on a deeper level I think, after everything that had happened earlier that spring. We went out together, we stayed in together, we saw friends, we took trips. Tom met my family in Austin, and fixed their computer. They liked him a lot, and not JUST because he fixed their computer.
My mother was amazed at us. She recognized that this relationship was different than any other I'd been in, that I was more serious about Tom than about any other person who I'd been involved with. She was right.
Seeing Tom again in May, but still knowing that we only had a limited amount of time, was one of the hardest things that had happened in our relationship thus far. We both knew we hadn't solved any of our problems - namely distance. But we were together, and that was enough.
We celebrated our six-month anniversary, and it was good.
Before he left, we talked again about the relationship. We both answered yes to the question of whether we still wanted to be together. We both knew that there was no guarantee as to when we would see each other again. But I did know that three months apart was as much as I could handle. I asked Tom if he could agree to a promise that we would see each other again by August 2008, at the latest. He said yes, this was something he wanted, and could agree to. We had no idea HOW this would happen, but it was enough that we both acknowledged that it should happen and had to happen.
On May 21st, 2008, Tom returned to Germany. I was devastated.
It was so hard being apart, AGAIN. We'd been in a relationship for over 6 months at that point, but had only spent 2 and a half months actually together, in the same city, at the same time.
I felt like a decision was looming. If we didn't figure something out, this would just go on inevitably, and I had to admit to myself, and to Tom, that I was not fulfilled by our long-distance relationship. If we couldn't discover a way to overcome that, our relationship would not survive.
And then, near the beginning of June, I began having trouble at work. The company was struggling over money, management was faulty, tensions mounted, and I wanted out.
I began hitting sites online, looking for another job, different work. Of course, I focused on the possibility of working in Germany; my main idea was to be an Au Pair. And I hit the jackpot.
One Au Pair company that I came across really struck me as legit and competent. I sent them an email, and received a response within less than 24 hours. I investigated the program, talked with people at the company, had all of my questions and concerns answered, and realized that this was the answer to the distance between Tom and I.
Plus, it was the opportunity of a lifetime for me. Spending a year in Germany? In Europe? With the amazing bonus of finally being with my beloved boyfriend on a regular basis, like a normal couple?
I was in.
Tom, surprisingly, was not. He was concerned about me moving across the world for him. He was worried that if something happened, if something went wrong, I'd blame him, and he didn't want that responsibility. He admitted that he was having commitment issues as well. It's easy to speak of commitment when you're only together occasionally, when your obligations are few. It's another thing entirely to be together with someone all the time, in the same place.
We talked a lot. We argued. I wasn't sure the relationship would survive it. I was hurt that he didn't jump for joy at the possibility of us finally being together. I was hurt that it seemed like after EVERYTHING, he was questioning us. I was hurt because I wanted him to want me, in the same way that I wanted him.
Eventually, I convinced him that the decision was not being made ONLY because of him. I wanted to do this in Germany because I knew a decent amount of German already, having taken it in school. I'd thought about living abroad since I'd graduated from high school in 2003. An Au Pair position is perfect for me - I have 5 little brothers and sisters, and I can do kids. I was an adult, and I wanted to take this opportunity for my life.
AND I loved him, and wanted our relationship to have a real shot.
He agreed - I should do it.
I put in my two-week notice at my company immediately, and set about completing the Au Pair paperwork and requirements. I was hoping that I could be in Germany by July or August, but this turned out not to be the case.
It was for the best, though. Tom, once again, was dealing with a lot of stress in his life, and he grew scarily distant for the second or third time in our relationship. The thought of my being in Germany by July or August was, I think, terrifying for him. He felt as if he didn't have his own life in order. How would he take care of me, too, when I came there?
We argued more. I demanded support, and love. I deserved that, at least, after everything I had done for him over the course of our relationship, after everything BOTH of us had invested.
I was convinced he was just freaking out, and that he didn't know WHAT he wanted.
Eventually, I discovered that I wouldn't be going to Germany in July or August. The family I settled on - who were perfect for me, by the way: three boys, mom and dad, young and energetic, seemingly very nice and sweet, and, best of all, they only lived 20 minutes away from Tom - didn't need an Au Pair until November 1st, so my plans were pushed back a full two months. But I would be in Germany, and I would be with my love, and I was satisfied by that. I wondered if Tom would be.
When I told him, Tom calmed down. He got his own affairs in order in Germany. He found a new apartment, he started working a bit more, he was on an upward path, and he was feeling better about everything.
I was doing the same thing in the States, getting all of my things ready, getting prepared for a year in a foreign country, saying goodbye to family and friends, figuring out what the heck to do with all of my furniture, not to mention my cats.
We began slowly becoming excited together. We reached a really good emotional level at one point. We were both calm, both ready. Both thinking that this was the right thing to do.
And then I started to get too stressed out. In the last month before I left, I started feeling like maybe I had forced this entire thing too far. Did I really want to go to Germany? To leave my home, and my family? Did Tom really want me like I wanted him? It was hard for me not to think back on all the times he'd wavered, and I couldn't help but worry. I expressed my doubts to him.
And for the first time in our relationship, TOM was the one reassuring ME. He was preparing everything for my visit, he was getting everything organized, he'd booked a hotel for the first few days, so that we could have some time alone, without roommates around, so that we could take time to really enjoy being together again after so long (by the time I arrived in Germany, it was almost 5 months apart).
He was so proud of me for getting everything done, for organizing everything, for all of the effort I was putting into this. He loved me, he wanted me, and he couldn't wait to be together.
I believed him.
And I went through with everything.
And I hate it. And I just want to wake up.
But before I go into any of that, I'd like to get the details laid out. For myself, and for the people who love me, care about me, and are rooting for me to make it through all of this.
So, in case you're not familiar with the details (I can't expect everyone to put MY details as THEIR priority, after all!), here's the skinny:
I'm 23 years old. In June of 2007, when I was 22 and working as a copywriter for an educational trading company in Austin, Texas, I met Tom. Tom was the computer guy, our IT guru. He was older than me - 33 at that time - very attractive, and totally intimidating. We didn't really talk besides our introduction. A week later, Tom went back to Germany, where he lives. Did I mention he's German?
This was Tom's schedule: he lived in Germany, but worked for our American company. When he was in Germany, he worked on U.S. time, 9am to 5pm, so from 4pm to 12am for him. Every three months or so, he would travel to the U.S. and spend 6 weeks working at our Austin office.
So, in October of 2007, he came back to the States again. I was more confident in my place at the company at this time, and Tom and I eventually became friends. We clicked pretty much right away - same interests, same sense of humor, same love of laughter. We took a trip together to Big Bend National Park the first weekend of November 2007. It was an amazing trip. We were still just friends, but there was definitely potential. We both recognized that.
A few days later, we kissed for the first time. It was the start of something big, that's what I remember thinking. And I was right. The relationship progressed fast by most standards, but it didn't feel like that at all to me, or to Tom, or to anyone who saw how well we fit together.
The rest of November was like a fairytale. We spent all the time together we could, joking, laughing, loving, just enjoying each to the fullest degree. On November 17th, Tom's birthday, we said I love you for the first time. He said it first. It was, and I think Tom would agree, a perfect month, something you dream about, but never believe you'll experience.
Then, the day after Thanksgiving, Tom returned to Germany. We didn't know exactly when we'd see each other again, but we thought he'd be back to the States in February of 2008, and we hoped it might be possible for me to visit him in Germany before that. Being apart was so hard. For those of you who really scoff at this line, I'm telling you, it's true: long distance relationships SUCK.
We texted each other, emailed, called. We still worked together via Internet, and that helped. But it was a long time apart.
In December, we got the okay from our boss for me to visit Tom in Germany for three weeks, provided that I continued working for those three weeks. I agreed, and Tom and I were ecstatic to see each other again.
I flew out January 12th, 2008, arrived in Frankfurt on the 13th, and basically melted when I saw Tom at the airport for the first time. Unfortunately, though, there were a few drawbacks during my visit.
Tom was having serious medical problems, problems with his back. He had a herniated disk. Thankfully, he didn't require surgery, but he had a lot of chiropractic appointments and therapy to attend, and he was in a lot of pain. For the majority of the time I was there, he didn't work at all, he just wasn't able to.
This didn't stop us from enjoying each other, though. We still had a great time. From visiting Disneyland Paris in France, to visiting De Efteling in The Netherlands, to actually being involved in an armed robbery at a McDonald's, where we had to lay on the floor and everything (talk about surreal!), it was a trip to be remembered.
During the time I was in Germany, I celebrated my 23rd birthday, and I couldn't wish for anything more than being able to spend it with Tom.
But all too soon, the trip was at an end. I had to fly back to the States. We were sad, but hopeful. Tom was supposed to follow within a few weeks, a month at the most. We would see each other again soon.
But we didn't.
Due to company reasons, Tom could not return to the States in February. We were disappointed to say the least, but in hindsight, it turned out to be for the best.
If Tom had flown to the U.S. in February, he still would have been there for the beginning of March, and on March 7th, 2008, Tom's father, who had suffered from Alzheimer's for a very long time, passed away.
It was an especially hard time for Tom, naturally. He became fairly distant, and was continually stressed out by funeral arrangements, work at the company, and even our relationship. For my part, I felt helpless. The man I loved was in pain, having an amazingly hard time, and I was stuck in the U.S., apart from him.
After weeks of struggling to make sense of everything again, Tom made a pretty big decision for his life, one which affected us and our relationship especially. He quit working for the U.S. trading company in Austin. It wasn't an easy decision, but he was dealing with too much, and the job was one of the few things that was definitely expendable.
April was a terrible month for us. Tom was no longer working for the same company as I was - our communication time and opportunities were lessened severely. Working with Tom so long at the company was something I had come to expect, and enjoy. I missed him, and I lost most of the affection I had for my job, my boss, and the company because of it.
I was also very worried about the decision in terms of our relationship. Tom had already cut one main tie to the U.S., and he was having doubts about every area of his life, including us. Would I be the next "expendable" thing on his list?
There were moments where we came close to that, but we held on, or I should say, I held on to him, in spite of the fact that the relationship was very one-sided, and we eventually got to a better place. And then, at the end of April, Tom told me he had booked a flight the U.S. He would be in Austin for two weeks, and he was coming there to see me.
I was so happy. WE were so happy. It had been about three months since we'd seen each other - it was strange to think about that, because it felt like way less time, and way more, all at once.
When Tom arrived, I believed that we were both nervous, and not sure what to expect of the trip. We had had so many struggles in the months we weren't together. Would we still click? Would we still be the same Tom and Nicole?
The answer was yes, after a bit of adjustment time. Things weren't easy, or effortless, as it had been in November, but we were still us. And we still fit together.
We were still in love, and we reaffirmed that. It didn't feel right for either of us to go our own way. We felt that we had something special, and we weren't willing to sacrifice that.
The two weeks in May were precious, and sweet. We related on a deeper level I think, after everything that had happened earlier that spring. We went out together, we stayed in together, we saw friends, we took trips. Tom met my family in Austin, and fixed their computer. They liked him a lot, and not JUST because he fixed their computer.
My mother was amazed at us. She recognized that this relationship was different than any other I'd been in, that I was more serious about Tom than about any other person who I'd been involved with. She was right.
Seeing Tom again in May, but still knowing that we only had a limited amount of time, was one of the hardest things that had happened in our relationship thus far. We both knew we hadn't solved any of our problems - namely distance. But we were together, and that was enough.
We celebrated our six-month anniversary, and it was good.
Before he left, we talked again about the relationship. We both answered yes to the question of whether we still wanted to be together. We both knew that there was no guarantee as to when we would see each other again. But I did know that three months apart was as much as I could handle. I asked Tom if he could agree to a promise that we would see each other again by August 2008, at the latest. He said yes, this was something he wanted, and could agree to. We had no idea HOW this would happen, but it was enough that we both acknowledged that it should happen and had to happen.
On May 21st, 2008, Tom returned to Germany. I was devastated.
It was so hard being apart, AGAIN. We'd been in a relationship for over 6 months at that point, but had only spent 2 and a half months actually together, in the same city, at the same time.
I felt like a decision was looming. If we didn't figure something out, this would just go on inevitably, and I had to admit to myself, and to Tom, that I was not fulfilled by our long-distance relationship. If we couldn't discover a way to overcome that, our relationship would not survive.
And then, near the beginning of June, I began having trouble at work. The company was struggling over money, management was faulty, tensions mounted, and I wanted out.
I began hitting sites online, looking for another job, different work. Of course, I focused on the possibility of working in Germany; my main idea was to be an Au Pair. And I hit the jackpot.
One Au Pair company that I came across really struck me as legit and competent. I sent them an email, and received a response within less than 24 hours. I investigated the program, talked with people at the company, had all of my questions and concerns answered, and realized that this was the answer to the distance between Tom and I.
Plus, it was the opportunity of a lifetime for me. Spending a year in Germany? In Europe? With the amazing bonus of finally being with my beloved boyfriend on a regular basis, like a normal couple?
I was in.
Tom, surprisingly, was not. He was concerned about me moving across the world for him. He was worried that if something happened, if something went wrong, I'd blame him, and he didn't want that responsibility. He admitted that he was having commitment issues as well. It's easy to speak of commitment when you're only together occasionally, when your obligations are few. It's another thing entirely to be together with someone all the time, in the same place.
We talked a lot. We argued. I wasn't sure the relationship would survive it. I was hurt that he didn't jump for joy at the possibility of us finally being together. I was hurt that it seemed like after EVERYTHING, he was questioning us. I was hurt because I wanted him to want me, in the same way that I wanted him.
Eventually, I convinced him that the decision was not being made ONLY because of him. I wanted to do this in Germany because I knew a decent amount of German already, having taken it in school. I'd thought about living abroad since I'd graduated from high school in 2003. An Au Pair position is perfect for me - I have 5 little brothers and sisters, and I can do kids. I was an adult, and I wanted to take this opportunity for my life.
AND I loved him, and wanted our relationship to have a real shot.
He agreed - I should do it.
I put in my two-week notice at my company immediately, and set about completing the Au Pair paperwork and requirements. I was hoping that I could be in Germany by July or August, but this turned out not to be the case.
It was for the best, though. Tom, once again, was dealing with a lot of stress in his life, and he grew scarily distant for the second or third time in our relationship. The thought of my being in Germany by July or August was, I think, terrifying for him. He felt as if he didn't have his own life in order. How would he take care of me, too, when I came there?
We argued more. I demanded support, and love. I deserved that, at least, after everything I had done for him over the course of our relationship, after everything BOTH of us had invested.
I was convinced he was just freaking out, and that he didn't know WHAT he wanted.
Eventually, I discovered that I wouldn't be going to Germany in July or August. The family I settled on - who were perfect for me, by the way: three boys, mom and dad, young and energetic, seemingly very nice and sweet, and, best of all, they only lived 20 minutes away from Tom - didn't need an Au Pair until November 1st, so my plans were pushed back a full two months. But I would be in Germany, and I would be with my love, and I was satisfied by that. I wondered if Tom would be.
When I told him, Tom calmed down. He got his own affairs in order in Germany. He found a new apartment, he started working a bit more, he was on an upward path, and he was feeling better about everything.
I was doing the same thing in the States, getting all of my things ready, getting prepared for a year in a foreign country, saying goodbye to family and friends, figuring out what the heck to do with all of my furniture, not to mention my cats.
We began slowly becoming excited together. We reached a really good emotional level at one point. We were both calm, both ready. Both thinking that this was the right thing to do.
And then I started to get too stressed out. In the last month before I left, I started feeling like maybe I had forced this entire thing too far. Did I really want to go to Germany? To leave my home, and my family? Did Tom really want me like I wanted him? It was hard for me not to think back on all the times he'd wavered, and I couldn't help but worry. I expressed my doubts to him.
And for the first time in our relationship, TOM was the one reassuring ME. He was preparing everything for my visit, he was getting everything organized, he'd booked a hotel for the first few days, so that we could have some time alone, without roommates around, so that we could take time to really enjoy being together again after so long (by the time I arrived in Germany, it was almost 5 months apart).
He was so proud of me for getting everything done, for organizing everything, for all of the effort I was putting into this. He loved me, he wanted me, and he couldn't wait to be together.
I believed him.
And I went through with everything.
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