Havin' Some Fun

It's been awhile since I wrote here, and you know what?

That's a good thing. Because the reason I haven't been writing here is that I've been busy out and about, meeting people, doing things, creating memories, and having a blast.

And this post, too, will be short, because at this moment, I am in Stuttgart, Germany, hanging out with my friends Sylvia and Keith. I arrived yesterday by train, and Keith picked me up from the main station in Stuttgart, drove me back to the base, checked me in, and got me safely to the apartment!

Seeing Sylvia and Keith again has been awesome - it's literally been years since our days of hanging out in Morley, Michigan - and I lOVE their two boys. Vaughn is 3 and Liam is 5 months, and they are sooo cute.

Today we just took it easy - sleeping in, big breakfast, relaxing mid-morning, shopping in the afternoon, relaxing early evening, great dinner of barbecued ribs, and now a relaxing late evening of movies and great conversation.

I feel...whole.

It's been awhile since I felt that way. It feels amazing.

And now I will get back to it. Just wanted to remember through this post how fantastic this trip has already been for me.

And tomorrow, Christmas party! HELLO, Army men...

Shifting Elements

"You! You, who have deceived me with false hopes, who have cheered and soothed me with vain promises! Indeed you would inspire me with pity, were you not hateful in my eyes."

~ Maximilian

~ The Count of Monte Cristo

Again, this book strikes a chord in my heart.

I'm almost finished now with Alexandre Dumas' famous, unabridged novel, and I must say, I'm going to miss the finesse of the language, the beauty of the characters, the depth of the story, and the simplistic elegance of the prose. What book can I find to follow this that can compare?

Oh to write as the masters wrote...that would be a gift indeed.

Happy Birthday, Liz and Josh!

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear Liz and Josh!
Happy birthday to you!

Sorry, Liz, I know your birthday was actually yesterday. However, as a married couple who were born only one day apart, I'm allowed to merge you and Josh into a weird, pseudo-blob, dual-birthday creature, and, as such, I'm allowed to wish you guys a happy birthday at the same time, on whichever day I so choose.

No, really! It's in the rulebook! Look it up! ;)

Last Contact

It's official: I have sent the last communication to Tom, by way of email. In it, I clearly stated that I will no longer be contacting him, and that any future communication to be initiated will have to come from him. The ball is solidly in his court.

He won't respond. I know this - his actions over the last weeks pretty much guarantee it.

But when I sent that email, there was definitely a feeling I experienced.

Lightness.
Like a burden being lifted.
Dare I say...

Closure?

This blog will no longer mention Tom Schwesig. I am closing the chapter on him in my life, and I will not open it again unless he's the one who begins writing there again.

From now on, my writing will consist of my life in Europe. What I'm doing, who I'm hanging with, all of the adventures I undertake, and hopefully a few comedic elements dispersed throughout all of it to lighten the tone.

Stay tuned for an entirely different type of blog...

Creating My Community

In the last handful of days, my entire outlook on things here in Germany, and my emotional condition, seem to have changed.

I've gone from thinking of nothing but Tom and what happened, to thinking about it fairly seldom, and then, only to acknowledge that he made his choice, he's said through his actions that he's not capable of being anything in my life, even a friend, and I deserve better. I still miss him, but I can say to myself, "I don't NEED him - look around, you're in Germany, and you're living your life, and you're doing it just fine on your own. You may want him, but you DON'T need him." And, for the first time in a month, I'm actually able to see the truth in that statement.

And the other big emotional pitfall for me - loneliness - is also resolving itself, especially in the last two days. I have met, and will continue to meet, so many cool individuals this weekend.

Yesterday, I was in Cologne for the evening, and happened to strike up a conversation with an American guy there. Turns out he was one guy in a group of six: all Americans, all Air Force guys, all older than me, in their 30s/40s, most married, and all enjoying Cologne for the last night, because they were heading back to the States the next day (well, 3 of them were; the other 3 are in Germany for another week, but not in Cologne).

Their names were Bill, Jonathan, Paul, Mick, Pogo, and Shrek. The last two definitely had some nicknames goin' on. They were so amazingly nice, and funny, and a little bit buzzed, but not to the point of jerkiness or anything. They commiserated with me on the whole Tom situation, which always comes up, because people always want to know why I'm in Germany, why Cologne, why all alone, etc.

They jokingly (except for Mick, who I'm pretty sure was dead serious) said that we could all drive to Bonn since it wasn't far, and they'd be happy to kick Tom's butt (but they didn't say 'butt'!) for me. They all said that he was the one missing out, and they had no doubt some other handsome, young German guy would sweep me off my feet like I deserved. And, even though they all admitted that guys could be jerks at times, and usually were, they also were proud of themselves that none of them had had a girl move to a different country for them only to dump her two weeks later. I toasted them on that one!

We hung out for about 3 hours, in and around the Christmas markets. We had some beer, we had some Schnapps, we had some Glühwein (a hot spiced-wine-type of drink - we also had a shot of Amaretto in ours: YUM!), we had some bratwurst, we had some homemade Spätzle pasta, we had some hot cheese and bread, we had some steak sandwiches. We ate a lot, we drank a lot, we were full of fun and merriment.

And, being the gentlemen that they were, I didn't have to pay for a thing.

I have a great pic of all of us, courtesy of a nice young German guy whom we accosted from the crowd, and I will be posting this on Facebook within the week hopefully. We'll see. I also have a great souvenir from the evening - two of our Glühwein mugs, which are real mugs, not plastic or cheap, and they say 'Weihnachtsmarkt am Kölner Dom 2008.' Jonathan paid the deposit for the mugs (when you bring them back to the booth, you get your deposit back), and he insisted that I keep two of them, to remember 'all us guys' by. The mugs are really pretty, and a perfect thing to commemorate the evening for me. I will definitely never forget the guys.

It was a great night, and I was really bummed when we had to say our goodbyes. They joked that when I became a famous writer, that they expected me to get all their names right when I talked about them. I assured them I would. So, this is the first official written story about them, and I definitely got all the names right. They would definitely be satisfied.

Anyway, that was last night. What a great Thursday evening. And then today, I met Elina Kuprijenko for the first time, although we've been trying to get together for a few weeks now. Elina is also an Au Pair here in Cologne. She's 21 years old, she's Russian, from the Eukraine, and she doesn't speak English. I'm sure you can imagine how fantastic it was for both of us to stumble through communication in German, our second language, but despite that, we had a great time.

We shopped, we walked, we talked, we shopped, we shopped some more. We really didn't buy much, but it was cool being able to enjoy the normal, non-touristy side of Cologne with someone else for a change. In every other excursion in Cologne for shopping or hanging out in the non-tourist parts of the city, I've been solo.

We will definitely be getting together again - she invited me to hang out tomorrow, but I've actually got plans already, so we're gonna try to hook up next week sometime to go to a disco, or a club or something.

After I split from Elina, I hit the Weihnachtsmarkts again, this time with a purpose. I wanted to buy a really cool candle I had seen at the Heumarkt market when I was there with the family and Sabine's parents - who are visiting this week. It's a round bowl with the candle inside actually, with scenes from Karneval in Cologne, and it's really pretty when it's lit up. I've been wanting to buy it for days, but something always comes up, like meeting the guys the night before.

But finally, I got it! I'm so happy with it. It's lit right now in my room here at the house, and it's sooo pretty. I love it. And after I bought the candle, I went to my favorite bookstore and read there for an hour and a half or so, right before buying some Chinese noodles with chicken from Die Engel Markt, another Christmas market, and hopping the train home.

And then here, I spent the rest of the evening nice and cozy with Sabine, Gerhardt, and Sabine's parents in the living room, with the stove burning, just enjoying some good talking and some good wine while we all helped to wrap the kids' presents for tomorrow (tomorrow is the 6th of December, Sankt Nikolaus Tag. The kids get small presents and sweets from 'Sankt Nikolaus', who leaves everything in their shoes during the night). It's a really nice tradition, and I'll be up early tomorrow - even though I could sleep in - to watch the kids get all excited over the chocolate and books that Sabine and Gerhardt bought for their shoes.

And THEN, tomorrow - I swear, this blog entry will eventually end - I am meeting Adriana for the first time. Adriana, who's 19, is the daughter of one of Sabine's friends, and her uncle is actually American, so she knows a good deal of English. Tomorrow night, I'm going with her and a BIG group of friends, 15 or so, to a party in downtown Cologne, a Sankt Nikolaus party. I'm really, really excited. Not only do I get to meet Adriana, I get to meet a bunch of her friends, and I also get to experience a bit of the party/nightlife atmosphere here, which I haven't done at all yet.

It should be really fun. I'm totally anticipating a great evening.

And THEN, on Sunday, I'm meeting up with Christine, Samuel's swim instructor, FINALLY. We've been trying to get together for about three weeks now, but she's got a busy schedule, and my schedule isn't busy, but it's kinda unpredictable, and we just haven't clicked, time-wise. But on Sunday, we're definitely gonna be able to do that finally. She's also bringing along a friend of hers who spent a year or two in Scotland, I think as an Au Pair, so we'll probably speak a mixture of English and German, and that's so nice for me, almost as relaxing as just speaking straight English.

We're all going to yet another Christmas market, one I haven't been to yet. It's the Middle Ages Christmas Market at the chocolate museum here in Cologne. It actually costs a few Euro to get in, but it's supposed to be a bit like a renaissance fair, and should be totally worth it. And again, I'll expand my circle of friends.

AND, on top of all of that, I actually had to turn down two other invitations to do things this weekend. One was from a girl named Sevim, who I met at Sabine's gym, and who I really like. We were talking about going out today, but I didn't hear back from her soon enough, and so I made plans with Elina. But Sevim and I will go out next week, on either Monday or Thursday probably. Dinner, drinks, maybe a movie. I couldn't be more excited about that - just a 'normal' evening hanging out with a friend!

I also got invited to go out tomorrow with the group of teenagers that live here in Sürth. They're all going to one of the Christmas markets tomorrow evening, and they invited me to come with. Adriana got to me first, though, and a Nikolaus holiday party is something really special. I'm hoping I can go out with the Sürth group to Cologne another time, though. They also mentioned maybe hitting a bar/pub together sometime, and that would be really fun, too.

And - this is the last thing, promise! - today, I spent some time on my computer, and I found a few sites that revolve around English-speaking communities here in Cologne. I created a profile on two sites, sent some inquiries about a few others, and then emailed a bunch of random people my age whose profiles also say they live in Cologne.

And I've already heard back from three of them!

One is a guy named Janz, who's studying in Bonn. He's 25 years old, he speaks English, even though it's not perfect, and he's from Marseilles, France. We've already exchanged a few emails, and he says that he's in Cologne fairly often - the next time he's here, we're gonna try to meet up. This is something I'm really excited about. First of all, it's a guy. I'm not looking to jump into another relationship, but it'll be so nice to have a guy to hang around with, in addition to all of the girlfriends I'm making. Also, he studies in Bonn, which means he's got this whole student community thing going for him. Who knows? If we hit it off, I may visit him in Bonn, get to know more people there, some of his friends and acquaintances, etc. I'm really, really excited about the possibilities here.

The second person is named Benoit, and I didn't contact him so much to get together with just him, but he's hosting an even in Cologne on Sunday, am English literature reading at a pub downtown. I asked him about the time and place, and he sent me back all the pertinent info. So, that's something I may be able to do on Sunday, depending on what time I get together with Christine and her friend.

And the third communication is actually with a HUGE group of people, like 35 or so, who are going to be coming to Cologne tomorrow from Amsterdam. They should arrive in the morning, at around 9:40am or so, and then they're gonna spend the day in the Christmas markets, checking out the Dom, maybe seeing the chocolate museum, etc. They will all be around the Dom at 1:30 for lunch, and then they're taking the Dom tour at 2:30. So, if Sabine doesn't need me tomorrow and nothing's going on around here, I may head out to the city to meet up with this group.

The guy who has arranged the trip emailed me his cell number and said I should just send him an SMS when I'm in the city, and he'll let me know where everyone's at. It would be SO cool to meet some people from Amsterdam, especially as I can travel there in the next two months with my Eurail pass if I want. If I hit it off with anyone, I can definitely follow up on it later.

Things here in Germany seem so much brighter these days...

So, as I promised, this blog entry has finally come to an end.

And it's a dang good end. I'm keeping busy, I'm making friends, I'm getting out, and I'm getting over the drama of the last month of my life, slowly but surely. I'm conquering loneliness, one solid step at a time. I'm in freakin' EUROPE!

Life is good.

From The Heart

An empty room can be so deafening.
The silence makes you wanna scream...
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in the frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried?
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me.
And that's a shame, but...
There's only so many tears that you can cry,
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

Not Surprised

"You know, relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last."

~ Annie (Sandra Bullock)

~ Speed

I'm in a different place than I've been over the last month. Since Tom ended things with us, I can't help but think of more and more reasons to be disappointed in him, more and more ways in which I can see so clearly how selfish, cowardly, and self-involved he really is.

Today was a turning point. I called him. I left a message. I asked for help with a computer issue, something mundane, and not having to do with us or our relationship. I asked for my t-shirt, which he still has at his apartment. I told him that I'm sick of playing games - not that he IS playing games, but that I felt like we were - and that I wanted to stop. I told him that I would like to talk with him again in person, if that was possible. I told him I was disappointed in his lack of communication, his lack of response, and his avoidance of me, and that I felt I deserved more than being ignored. I acknowledged that I don't know what he's doing these days, or who he's spending his time with (this remark I added because a woman answered his cell phone last night when I called); but when it comes to US, I said, I need just a bit more from him, and I don't think that's asking too much. One more talk. One more meeting. One more.

I asked him to call me back.

And he didn't.

And you know the worst part? I'm not surprised.

Selfish, cowardly, self-involved. I'm not surprised that he didn't call back to help me with my computer problem. I'm not surprised he didn't call back to set a time to meet. I'm not surprised he didn't call back even though I specifically asked him to. I'm not surprised. It's just the final evidence that I deserve better than Tom Schwesig, as much as that hurts to say.

He said he cared about me, even though he didn't love me. He said he wanted me in his life still. He said he knew it would work for us to be friends. And he's proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt - through both his actions and his inactions - that those were all lies.

The last lies.

Because I am done putting myself in his hands. I am done thinking of the best things to say, the best approaches, the best way to handle things. I am done being the one to email, the one to call. I am done trying to find a balance between lover or friend. I am done hoping that I still have a friend, despite everything.

And I am done carrying the burnt remains of a relationship that used to be a sacred thing in my heart. They're too heavy a burden to bear, and I'm relinquishing my hold on them now.

~~~

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well,
And now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well,
And now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get,
So much for, so much more.
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get,
So much for, so much more.

Growing Cold

"But alas! I have heard it said, that hearts inflamed by obstacles to their desire grow cold in times of security; I trust we shall never find it so in our experience..."

~ Valentine

- The Count of Monte Cristo

Trust. Thou hast betrayed me...